choco loniearliest post first | most recent post first
The Mephitis 5/12/2019 10:25pm
i've been keeping whirlwind bullets behind my ears, but there's been no need for them as the @Doctor Argosa's net protocols have been sound, neatly bottling up each thunder devil he snares. nothing much else to shoot at given the civilized nature of the natives. the local authorities have nothing to fear, and we keep the tourists happy with our hourly rentals.
so instead i've been using the holiday snaps gun. here's the temple of kukulcan with the mephitis docked nearby.
@Captain Pirate II with elote on a stick.
me hiding behind a column at the temple of a thousand warriors.
(the holiday snaps gun is so safe you can ask strangers to shoot you with it.)
it's a little disconcerting i can't find my memory stick though. it's not like me not to put things back in their places. i feel like i can almost remember putting it somewhere odd... but i can't quite remember. i suppose it will turn up eventually.
in the meantime, the crew has had just about enough shore leave, and the captain has mentioned getting back on the road with a coffee and kahlua run up the coast. we'll take it north and sell it. feels like it's been quite awhile since we've had some honest work.
The Mephitis 2/9/2019 5:34pm
this is my memory stick. it’s clear now, see-through like everything else. or reflective of everything else. same images of everything reflecting off everything else, with nothing to reflect but the reflections. there’s still something being reflected—contours, outlines, oily shapes along the crinkle of infinite telescopy...
which is why the memory stick seemed like the perfect weapon. see-through as it is, its size and shape is clear in my hand, and i know what ammunition it holds. will the memories be see-through too? how could they be? i see them in my mind’s eye now, clear as day, full color like any picture in a phone. you can see your memories, right?
so i raise the memory stick to whack the captain in the head, drawing back my arm, when i sense the intruder out of the corner of my eye. i whip the stick across the room, perfectly aimed to richochet against the far wall of the bridge and crack against the head of whatever it is that’s creeping in....
The Mephitis 10/31/2018 9:14pm
the impossible gun. not really my favorite, because by its very nature it is anti-skill. you pick it up, take aim in the general direction of the target, pull the trigger, and something entirely impossible pops into existence. an elephant riding a unicycle. a small bird who is a lawyer. a worm orchestra that plays "in the hall of the mountain king." why are mine always animal based? the other thing i don't trust about it is that i always figure well those things aren't really "impossible" if they occurred in the right universe. maybe that's why my projectiles always puff away in a cloud of smoke.
the doctor has had me firing at the captain constantly.
The Mephitis 8/26/2018 9:36pm
snapping gum, the joy buzzer, the concussive whoopee cushion, snake in a can, shock pen, squirt flower, seltzer bottle, the pies... i'm glad the clown wars are finally over. i keep them in a special compartment of my infinite armory bag, along with all the other artifacts from our reality hopping--weapons from the dinosaur incursion, the tornado invasion, the giant tomato attack. they're all safely stowed and cleaned, ready for the day when the reruns return.
The Mephitis 6/11/2018 10:10pm
i call this one the round bomb. can you see why?
just drop this pretty little fizzer on an unsuspecting mob and send them on a sweet escape. they'll get lost in a labyrinth of the senses, feel their way down garden paths and mazes, unwind surrounded by the scents of dittany of crete, jasmine, storax, rose, frankincense, tobacco, cedar, myrrh, musk and ambergris, till they find themselves at the heart of an ancient binding ritual, being performed by cultists.
what controls the output to the cultlist properties of the sheetmetal part?
when the ritual unbinds, they find themselves unwinding, back through the ambergris, musk, myrrh, cedar, tobacco, frankincense, rose, storax, jasmine, and dittany of crete, back through the mazes and the garden paths, out of the labyrinth, feeling calm and refreshed.
can you see why i call it the round bomb?
do not eat
keep away from small children
The Mephitis 4/18/2018 9:06pm
of all my special weapons, the blimp gun is my favorite. her name is recursia.
the act of aiming is the most important part of using the blimp gun effectively. you've got to fix a space in your mind. a special kind of target space, unique to the instrument. i stand on the open deck of the mephitis, nothing but big puffy clouds all around, take aim into the distance, and fire.
when done correctly, what emerges from the gun is another blimp. in this case, it's another instance of the mephitis. it starts out small, of course, having emerged from the barrel of a rifle, but its relative size soon becomes immaterial. because the projectile is, in fact, this blimp. with an open deck. and on that deck is where i am standing, slowly lowering the rifle, trying to pick out that tiny blimp in the distance.
The Mephitis 3/3/2018 7:38pm
captain pirate appears to be acting erratically. he called the newly assembled crew down to the galley, then stood on a table and did magic tricks. and he did them very poorly. none of them worked. he spilled his cards and coins fell out of his sleeve and when he asked for volunteers for the indian basket trick nobody stepped forward. because those are real swords. then he told us we were all a great audience and to return to our posts.
i have no idea who would trust this man with his cargo, so i don't see how he'll be paying the crew. unless he's one of those trust fund captains. we'll wait and see what happens at the next port.
The Mephitis 2/10/2018 8:23pm
i am submitting my resume for a position on the mephitis. i am a crack shot, and can shoot the worm out of a robin's beak at 500 yards, hanging upside down below the gondola of an airship in an ice storm in the dark. i supply my own rifle, pistols, and ammunition. here's a picture of me in my bandolier.
references available upon request.