Fritz Camembert
earliest post first | most recent post firstBattle Bus 10/2/2020 10:25pm
I should have known that my insipid and socialist business partner would be in league with such a gang of brutish, wild haired brigands. Still, his concern for me seemed quite genuine as he convinced the large, ape-like leader to release me. He even speaks their language -- some despicable, guttural tongue. Like all leftist elites, he obviously relishes his connection to the criminal element.
That said, after brushing the dirt from my now rather soiled suit, and twigs and leaves from my now thoroughly jostled comb over, he did place a bun in my hand and bid me to eat it.
"What? No butter? No jam?" I asked incredulously. He should know I am quite picky about my buns.
"Croyez-moi. Prenez juste une bouchée," he says. He should know I have never learned his ridiculous language.
Nevertheless, I take a bite from the bun and chew.
I crumble to my knees. In ecstasy. It is like the first sunrise over a new universe.
The Stone Age of Universe 4A.
Now everything is clear.
Battle Bus 7/13/2020 11:17pm
The museum of the Stone Age of Universe 4A has been overrun by freaks! Smelly, hippie burglars have invaded this (previously rather boring) hall of dusty wonders and are running wild! And I have been kidnapped in the process.
Disgusting, unwashed criminals. Dressed like cavemen! And they have somehow removed me from the museum and taken me out of doors. To their homeless cave dweller encampment, somewhere at the edge of a forest.
Oh how I loathe the out of doors. I did not get into the collectible airship trading card business because I liked the out of doors. In fact, I hated it, and immersing myself in my collectable trading card collection as a young boy was the only thing that kept me sane, while the other boys played outside with their "Capture the Flag" and "Who's the Hound" and driving the hot rods and going on dates.
And I turned my interest into a vocation, as a professional collectable airship trading card trader. Ha! To see the faces of those hot rod driving, flag capturing men now, wearing their ties and eating shit in their corporate hives.
But, I suppose, at least they are not finding themselves kidnapped by a group of smelly wild men. And wild women. Tied up like a hog to a stake, while they build their campfire. I have tried communicating, letting them know of my rather large means and ability to pay any ransom they are thinking of, within reason.
All that I receive in reply are grunts.
"Hey! What about at least a little water, please? I... my mouth is feeling rather dry.
Oh, here comes the big one, who seems to be their leader. Where did he get that rather large club?
Battle Bus 4/20/2020 10:14pm
And that's how you buy a ticket to the museum of the Stone Age of Universe 4A.
It's well known that the clerks at the information desk in the Central Museum Registry of Destiny City are corrupt. Their endless questions and misdirections are just a front to bounce users the underground money making side of the racket. My guide is likely splitting his fee with the clerk.
Such a clean and repeatable system. Much more dependable than the life of a dealer in collectible airship trading cards, with its ups and downs, its dry-spells and monsoons. You can see why it attracts ridiculous and quixotic creatures like my inscrutable business partner.
Is he here in this museum now? The halls are quiet. There seems to be no one about. This giant museum, filled with useless artifacts, and closed to the public.
It is as absurd as my business partner himself.
If he were about, I could hear his smug and prancing footfalls from his hard soled shoes of dubious style. But there is nothing. Nothing but the soft hum of the drinking fountains.
Has he been here before me? What did he seek? Or is he still lost in the bureaucracy of obtaining access? Unable to let go of this simple notions of truth, and utility, and refusing to face the music and pay a small fee to an unscrupulous man to get what he wants?
But that is not his ludicrous and senseless way. I must be careful, he could be hiding anywhere, even dressed up as one of these Stone Age Freaks, gathered round a great hairy mammoth and its howda, and there, perched on the top of this absurdly large prehistoric megafauna, what do I see?
A mighty, golden loaf. Secured to the palanquin.
Secured bread.
What? Let go! Off I say, you Neanderthals! Be gone! What is this? OOOOOOF
Battle Bus 2/7/2020 11:30pm
Where exactly would my impulsive and grandiose business partner go with the "Let us Secure this Bread" ancient trading card? With whom would he seek to share this priceless artifact in the name of his beloved "truth" and "history?" Undoubtedly, it would be with the eggheads who worship the dead and decrepit records of Stone Age of Universe 4A.
"Hello I'm looking for the museum of the Stone Age of Universe 4A."
"Yes, of course. Can you spell that for me please?"
The information desk in the Central Museum Registry of Destiny City is exact to an exasperating degree.
I am sent to wait on the endless vinyl couches of the Central Museum Registry waiting area.
"Psssst! Hey! Buddy! I hear you're interested in the Stone Age of Universe 4A?"
A shifty fellow in a dark suit has taken the seat next to me. Unlike the overly educated fops who inhabit this warren of bureaucracy, I feel this is a man who speaks my language.
"Why yes. Yes I am."
"Meet me outside of exit 237 in 10 minutes. Cash only."
And so I do.
Battle Bus 11/19/2019 9:20pm
The extent of the damage in Destiny City has definitely been under reported in the press. No doubt the city has been working hard to protect its reputation as museum capital of the galaxy, as well as its tourist and convention economy. A path as wide as a city block has been cut from the former site of the Unnatural History Museum to the bay--roughly a half mile of destruction.
The rest of the city, however, was unscathed in this mysterious catastrophe. Eye-witness reports range from sea monsters to a sentient autonomic vacuum creature achieving singularity. But it matters not! My obsequious and ridiculous registered business partner @Pomme Contrebandier is here and no doubt wandering the catacombs, sniffing out the freshly baked pies and pastries of the eldritch chefs he holds in such high esteem.
While my foolish colleague has no mind for business, he does have a knack for discovering vital information. It is by no means my intention to harm my long suffering idiotic friend. Instead, I sit in this rented hotel room at the edge of the city and await the specialists I have requested. We will recover the "Let us Secure this Bread" ancient trading card, along with my smelly and obscene business partner, and whatever additional knowledge exists at the place in which they meet.
No doubt, the value of the card will only increase! This is the reason I allow this troublesome relationship with @Pomme Contrebandier to continue.
Everything is going according to plan. Except the ice maker on my floor is broken. I must explore alternatives.
Battle Bus 6/17/2019 9:22pm
My inscrutable business partner has truly lost his mind. Under most conditions I would have alerted the Interzonal Police, and the Society of Ancient and Collectable Trading Cards, DMT, as well as everyone else in my formidable sky-rolodex, about such a heinous and insufferable act.
But the @Pomme Contrebandier, as absurd and ridiculous as his mere existence can be, also has unique skills. And he is impulsive at times.
He has taken the "Let us Secure this Bread" airship card and purchased first class passage on the Airshipliner Xenia’s Phobia to the museum capital of the galaxy, no doubt to consult with the effete intellectuals who inhabit its warrens like rats.
We will make him listen to reason. We have done it before.
Next stop, Destiny City!
Fritz Camembert
The Card Shark
Battle Bus 4/18/2019 9:52pm
My inscrutable business partner and myself are now the proud owners and sole source of one completely authenticated "Let us Secure this Bread" airship card, from the stone age of universe 4A.
How, you may ask, were we able to secure the provenance of such a previously mythical item?
My partner, the obtuse and generally insufferable @Pomme Contrebandier, has a wealth of otherwise useless knowledge concerning paper stock, printing methods, and the particularities of various full-color press machines... knowledge that is otherwise worthless in respectable circles, but serves my purposes when considering the acquisition of rare trading cards representing historical airships, or, in this case, radical ancient baking techniques.
The House of Cards is now accepting bids. While the Rotting Worm Card and Comics Faire has concluded, Monsieur Contrebandier and myself will be remaining at our temporary lodgings in Old Habitsform for a short time. Serious enquiries only!
Fritz Camembert
The Card Shark
Battle Bus 2/15/2019 7:19pm
After conferring with several colleagues via anonymous chat rooms, we agree to examine your purported "Let us Secure this Bread" airship card, from what it appears to be the stone age, universe 4A, @Rose Lalonde. You can find us at the upcoming Rotting Worm Card and Comics Faire in Old Habitsform, Sector B Subcluster, booth #1007664a. Please do not touch the merchandise.
Anxiously awaiting your reply,
Fritz Camembert
The Card Shark
Battle Bus 12/14/2018 11:20pm
To the Rose it May Concern,
The "Let us Secure this Bread" card has been undocumented and was assumed lost since its last sighting in the 37th era of the Smudging Bard in universe Q14. While there is recognized provenance for the "Kneading of the Bread," the "Salting of the Bread," the "Buttering of the Bread," the "Baking of the Bread," the "Toasting of the Bread", the "Startering of the Sourdough Bread," and the "Snoring of the Beast," it is of the official opinion of the House of Cards that the "Let us Secure this Bread" card can not reasonably assumed to exist, and you, in fact, have a forgery on your hands, either due to your own lack of diligence or intent to defraud.
Before confirming our location and possibly making an appointment, we humbly require some proof of authenticity.
Anxiously awaiting your reply,
Fritz Camembert
The Card Shark