SHIP'S LOG:

Thot Slayer

Slobodkina 4/15/2021 11:54pm

"Well I guess we ran into some traffic," said the little holographic tour guide girl.

We had taken a table at a little outdoor cafe at Hanga Roa. There was a slight breeze. Lines of airships filled the sky, backed up waiting their turn through the portal.

"Once in awhile a ship gets stuck in the portal, and it can take a little while to clear it," she explained. "Ooooo they have a Monte Cristo on the menu. Don't you just love Monte Cristos? If you like grilled cheese, then you're in for a real treat!"

"I know what a Monte Cristo is."

"Well I'm sure your mommy or daddy might have made you a grilled cheese, but a real Monte Cristo is really something that's best at a restaurant. It has powdered sugar!!"

"But you don't eat sandwiches. You only eat electricity I thought?"

"Yes that's true, but have you ever seen a perfect Monte Cristo sandwich? Would you like to split one? You can have my half too!"

We placed our order with a waiter.

"Oooo and look! You can see the statues from here! Look behind you!"

I turned and saw the most colossal, unnerving sculpture I'd ever seen in my life. I'd seen pictures of the Moai before, but they looked nothing like this. Instead of a smooth, clean profile with the long nose and brooding forehead, this one had an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind.

I was at once startled and deeply nauseated. I wanted to run.

"That... doesn't look anything like the postcards," I said.

The little holographic tour guide girl paused for a moment. It was that glitch-state again. Then she spoke.

"Oh, yes, you're talking about the postcards from the before time that were all destroyed. As well as all other print and digital images of the---"

She froze for a moment more, then:

"Oh look here comes our food! Yummy!"

The waiter set down a plate bearing the most beautiful looking Monte Cristo I had ever seen. Which was immediately followed by a terrific explosion in the direction of the portal. Our little table rattled in the rumble from the blast.

"Ah ha! Sounds like they've cleared the portal!" said the little holographic tour guide girl. "Things will start moving now and it will be our turn before you know it. Waiter, can we get this to go?"

Slobodkina 3/3/2021 9:07pm

Visit Zephyr Air HQ? I'd never been there in my life! I joined up and was hired remotely (in Arvada), but didn't board the ship till Virginia Beach (they'd just come down from the Finger Lakes).

Anyhoo, with HQ refusing my hails, I guess going there in person would be the next best thing. Get the ship and my commission reinstated, maybe find out if they know anything about the missing six years of my life.

Plus, what else was there to do? And the long trip to Auckland would at least give me time to think. Long stretches of ocean and clouds and nothing to do. Sounded kind of nice, actually. Exactly how long was this going to take? At least a couple of weeks.

"Hold on to your hats, buckaroos! It's time to enter the Bermuda City portal!" cries the little holographic tour guide girl.

"Portal?"

"We're up next. And shouldn't all boys or girls or self described others be wearing their seatbelts?"

"Seatbelts?"

"Strap in!"

A sudden explosion of light filled the bridge as we sailed through a giant ring floating just offshore. It knocked me off my feet and against the comms panel.

"And now just a weensie bit of a ride..."

Outside the windshield was a... prismatic void? So... deep. Dark. Pretty...

"And, welcome to Havana!"

Somehow the prismatic void had coalesced into a different city. The same insane techno spears of Bermuda City, but colorful. Bright blues, gold, pinks.

"It'll be about a half an hour until we're allowed to enter the Havana portal," said the little holographic tour guide girl. "But I got us right in line. No layover here!"

"So, how long till we get to Auckland?"

"Well," she said, "let's see. Next stop Managua, then Panama City, Quito, Hanga Roa, Pape'ete, and finally Auckland. Definitely less than four hours if we don't run into any traffic."

So much for my relaxing me time.

Slobodkina 1/19/2021 10:05pm

"Well good morning little boy or girl or self-described other! Are you ready find your mommy or daddy or guardian today?"

The little holographic tour guide girl had way too much energy, jumping on my bed like that. And finishing off the hotel mini-bar last night put me in a somewhat degraded position.

"I'm fully charged, and ready to help you find your family!"

It was time for me to be honest with the little holographic tour guide girl.

"It's time for me to be honest, little holographic tour guide girl," I said, raising my head as much as I could without feeling more nauseous. "I didn't come here with them. My mommy or daddy are not here Bermuda City. All I have is my ship."

The little holographic tour guide girl froze for a moment, as if finally processing it. Then, she looked at me more carefully.

"Your ship. The Thot Slayer, registry 9353-420 of the Zephyr Air Transport fleet, ... reported missing in action six years ago..."

She trailed off, internally generated data reflecting off her eyeballs. Internally.

"Yes! Yes, exactly. Now, I'll just be off with my ship, and you can consider this case closed," I said.

The little holographic tour guide girl froze up again, and this time glitched.

She glitched again, and then resumed.

"Case closed? Oh my dear no! The Planetary Heritage Parks Procedure Manual clearly states that visual confirmation of parents or guardians is required before the guide or other Planetary Heritage Park employee relinquish responsibility for said minor. Your ship's registry is quite definite. We must assume your mommy or daddy works at this Zephyr Air Transport. We must go to them!"

"Go to Zephyr Air Transport? Headquarters?"

"Exactly," said the little holographic tour guide girl.

"It's in Auckland..." I said.

"Then it's time we got going! Rise and shine! Check out time is at eleven!"

Slobodkina 12/6/2020 11:33pm

I decided to make the most of my situation.  

“Room service? Yes, I would like six of your most delicious grilled cheese sandwiches. Just one tomato soup, but put it in a bowl. And a flagon of your best apple cider. Room 1007. Thanks."

My little holographic tour guide girl was purring away in her bed, plugged into the outlet in the wall.

"Well. So."

The room really did have a great view. 270 degrees of Bermuda Triangle City at night, all its spires and spines, dotted with lights.

Oh! TV! Where's the remote? I wonder what's on.

CRRRRKSS

"BREAKING NEWS! The Court of Heralds of Her Most Glorious Ruler of the Sixth Segment Seven Times appeared today at Bermuda City Hall to deliver the monthly tribute list. In other news, Squid Reduction Ceremonies are taking place across the Great Reef--"

CRRRRKSS

"Are you tired of someone hijacking your lens? It's time to turn the tables with G.G. Tickler's Spy Eye Reverter Technique! Merely fold the eyelid o--"

CRRRRKSS

"Oh Linda, put your tentacles down where I can see them. Yes! YES!!!"

CRRRRKSS

Ooops. Don't want to get charged for the pay per view. But what kind of world IS this?

Slobodkina 10/18/2020 10:30pm

I wasn't exactly in trouble... but this little holographic tour guide girl was complicating things.

Who was I kidding? I'd just learned that I'd somehow... missed the last six years? And that an ancient extraterrestrial culture of inconceivable power had taken control of the world in the meantime? But there had been a race of ancient alien rulers even before them who had been hanging around and was responsible for turning my former crew into mindless zombies?

I should be thankful I have a little holographic tour guide girl.

"So, little boy or girl or self-described other," said the little holographic tour guide girl. "Which hotel did you say your mommy and daddy were staying at?"

She certainly did know how to fly the Thot Slayer. Definitely better than I did.

"Oh, yes... about that. I really don't remember it well. How about you just take me to each one, and I'll see if it rings a bell."

"Coming right up! First stop, the Grand Marquis!"

There sure were a lot of hotels in Bermuda Triangle City. Spending so much time hauling its garbage, I hadn't really had the chance to see its finer side of life. Such beautiful buildings--spires, really--colonnades like coral ridges, arching into the skies forever. Mooring posts and grand foyers. Bellboys and floating luggage carts.

"I'm hungry, little holographic tour guide girl."

"Oh I'll bet you are my little good natured tyke! A hungry tummy makes an angry camper! Luckily, I have a stipend for just this kind of emergency. Come with me."

Soon, we're sitting in the dining room at the Mondo Excelsior and I've got the most incredible grilled cheese sandwich I've ever seen, with a tiny ramekin of tomato soup, and a glass of apple juice. I really am famished.

"Oh dear. I'll be needing a recharge soon too! But I don't eat the kind of food kids eat. I eat pure e-lec-tricity! Luckily, I have a stipend for that too. I'm accessing the front desk, and... reservation made."

"A room in this hotel? Make sure it has a view!"

"Reservation changed."

"And, plenty of rooms. A suite! I need my privacy."

"Reservation changed."

"Japanese tub?"

"Reservation changed."

The little holographic tour guide girl is turning out to be real handy.

Slobodkina 9/7/2020 10:26pm

It smelled like garbage.

"It smells like garbage," I said. "Where am I?"

"You are safe back on your ship. I am sure your mommy or daddy will be here soon."

It was the little holographic tour guide girl. She was sitting with me on a bench in the hold of the Thot Slayer. The cargo doors were open, where I had herded the crew out into the bathing pits. At the heritage site with the ancient shattered monolith. Where she told me about the last six years. The last real six years.

"My mommy and daddy?"

"Yes I'm sure they're just somewhere at the park. I've alerted the sky eyes to look for them."

I knew my "mommy and daddy" were nowhere near. And my crew... something had been done to them, turned them into something. And the little cold and wet British people. They weren't British at all. And what happened in Port Nelson...

"Hey, look, you've been very kind. You're a very excellent holographic tour guide. But I need to go--"

"And meet your mommy and daddy?"

The little holographic tour guide girl looked at me with her big blue eyes and blonde hair and little cap. I could almost believe she really cared.

"Yes! Exactly that. They're, uh, back the hotel. They let me fly here."

"They sound like a very nice mommy and daddy. I can't wait to meet them."

It seemed like this little holographic tour guide girl was maybe on the fritz.

"Oh, no, I'm sure you have lots of duties here at your, uh, job. Thanks so much. You've been so sweet."

I reached out to take her arm to lead her out of the ship, but my hand passed right through her.

"It is rule number 79 in the Planetary Heritage Parks Procedure Manual, Lesser Tome (Pact of Lester) that no minors be left unaccompanied in any part of their visit to a park, and that visual confirmation of parents or guardians is required before the guide or other Planetary Heritage Park employee relinquish responsibility for said minor."

"I'm, a, not a minor, really. I have a job, and a rank... or I used to."

"Oh you are a silly one. Well, let's get underway. All aboard who's coming aboard!" She called, then leaped up to pull the big lever that closes the cargo doors.

"Hey, you're holographic. How did you--"

"I am also equipped to drive any vehicle of any type produced in this century. I can't wait to drive this hunk a junk. Race you to the bridge?"

The little holographic tour guide girl shot off at the speed of light.

Slobodkina 7/29/2020 10:57pm

"And of course it's through the arrival of these Ancient Ones that peace and harmony was restored to our war-exhausted planet."

I guess I should have been paying more attention to the show, but I found this little holographic tour guide girl too fascinating.

She appeared as I approached the old broken monolith, activated by body motion I suppose. She started talking about... something... but I was too distracted looking for the mirrors, or lasers or whatever. How do you even make a hologram? I could see through her but just barely. Mostly she was completely visible, in her little blue blazer and cap.

"Are there any questions?"

I looked around. I was the only one in the tour group apparently.

"Uh, yeah. How old did you say this thing was?"

"Well, radio carbon dating places its creation at roughly 300 million years."

"How long has it been broken? Lying here?"

"Oh, just six years, of course. When it was destroyed by the arrival of the Ancient Ones, who restored peace and harmony to our war-exhausted planet, and gave us all this great stuff!" She waved her holographic arm towards the skyline.

"Uh, six years, you say?"

"Yes, six years. Where have you been this whole time? Asleep?"

I suddenly felt very dizzy. I needed to sit down.

Slobodkina 6/20/2020 11:36pm

Pee-ew what a stink the city's dump gives off! I mean, I knew we were getting into the garbage business, but I'd imagined this hyper-futuristic city to have better sanitation than this. It's like its own city within a city, with streets and blocks of garbage and people living in it. First I asked around for recycling and composting facilities, and when that was met with blank stares I asked about showers and cleanup for the crew. A group of young street urchins led us deep into the interior of this garbage-heap land. All they asked for in return was the garbage in our hold, which I felt was a completely fair trade. They sorted through it, taking most of the discarded high-tech garbage and scattering the rest out of the hold as we made our way deeper into the dump.

As we got closer to the center of the reeking metropolis, the piles of refuse took on the air of an archeological exhumation, which included large open public baths, filled with brackish green water. I felt it was a least a step up from the crap the crew had been working and sleeping in, and opened the cargo bay and herded the them out into it. They waded out into the oily, swampy water, bumping into each other.

And there, just beyond the pools of green slime, was an ancient piece of architecture, laid on its side, A great white monolith, cracked but still mighty, inlaid with hieroglyphs of sea creatures--fishes, eels, octopuses, crustaceans, mollusks, whales, and the like.

Ah! A historical site! This must all be a kind of national park! Finally, it all made sense.

Slobodkina 5/8/2020 9:30pm

The crew has taken to our garbage duty better than expected. Er, well, better than they would have before they lost their minds and became stumbling, drooling automatons.

As it is, they can follow directions for a short time but you've got to keep redirecting them when they forget what they were doing. So, we pull up the Thot Slayer to a street corner, I park it and open up the hold and start pointing them to the cans and dumpsters, then back up into the hold where they dump them out, then repeat till we've cleared it out and move to the next street corner.

It's really a shame the local authorities haven't instituted mandatory recycling and composting, but I'm going ahead and having the crew separate the waste once it's in the old. Oooooh boy is that going to need a clean out! But for now the crew doesn't seem to have a problem sleeping in it. Not like we have a way to wash them if we wanted! I'm sure that after the hold is full and we make it to the dump site, they're bound to have proper hygiene facilities for all employees. I mean, there are basic worker's rights everywhere these days, am I right?

Slobodkina 3/31/2020 11:59pm

Well I was able to moor the Thot Slayer in a section of this massive futuristic city that seems to be near where my unfortunate crew lost their minds. But oh the parking fees! I had none of the so called "clams" they were asking for, so instead have had to pay our way by accepting a job with the local garbage brigade. I may be able to earn a little more this way for the upgrades the Thot Slayer could so clearly use, and it gives the crew something to do with their time other than drooling and bumping into each other in the hold. It also allows me to seek out the one landmark I remember from that first fateful trip to this area -- the cyclopean ruins that those British castaways were held up in.

Ah! I hear the clatter of the city's dumpsters calling me now!