SHIP'S LOG:

Thot Slayer

Slobodkina 12/5/2022 10:42pm

Retrofitting the Thot Slayer for Antarctic travel was a relatively simple matter. "Relatively" in that while the necessary parts and equipment were all close at hand, the remaining inhabitants of McMurdo were somewhat begrudging in their assistance.

"There's nothing but DEATH for you at the pole! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!!!" screeched the gray haired hag.

"Don't you mind old Darla," said the grizzled old shopkeeper. "But she's right."

However, not only can the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl move at incredible speeds, she can also lift and manipulate very large objects.

"I'll let you in on a little secret," she said. "My little arms alone aren't that strong. It's my--" she took a moment to look coyly around the hangar to make sure we weren't being overheard "--field effect powers! Shhhhhh!"

She winked at me as she directed another sheet of ultralight insulating material around the Thot Slayer's gondola.

"While you were napping," she continued, "I also upgraded the engines to be able to operate at the extreme temperatures we'll be enduring. And refilled the soft serve machine."

"I'm sick of it!" said the grizzled old shopkeeper. "Soft ice cream, hard ice cream, slushies, slurpees, you can take the lot of it for all I care! What I want is Red Hots! Hot tamales! Give me Sour Patch!"

The rest of the remaining inhabitants slowly gathered in the hangar to watch the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl do her work.

"You sure nobody'd like to come along with us for the ride?" I asked. "Sure might be handy to have a local guide."

The McMurdoans looked uncomfortably at the floor or up into the rafters. None of them would look me in the eye.

"Look, you know there's no way out by heading north, past the barrier."

The McMurdoans murmured vaguely that they agreed.

"And my co-pilot here is pretty clever."

The McMurdoans grumbled that they had to agree on that, from what they'd seen of her working on the Thot Slayer.

"And we just want to take a little look, farther south. And if there's something to be learned by reaching the pole, maybe it can help us all!"

The McMurdoans raised their eyes to mine, and started to mumble in agreement with each other.

"And we've got all the delicious soft serve ice cream you could want!"

With that, the McMurodans all groaned, turned around, and left the hangar, returning to their solitary abodes.

Slobodkina 9/11/2022 9:44pm

"So, how many can your ship fit? 15? 20? There's not even twenty of us left... that we know of... there's me, Harbinger Jed, Miss Sam, Carlos and Jorge, the Lorentz twins--"

"Your gate is not operational," said the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl. Which was news to me. "It deactivated immediately after bringing us here. The grid remains closed. Unless you have a way to open it?"

The grizzled old man looked dumbfounded.

"Well if we could open it up, you think we wouldn't have left here already? Didn't you say you knew Dean Hammer? He sent you here to rescue us!"

"Uh... yeah... yeah..." I broke in. "The Dean's a great guy. But there's, uh... trouble with the gates. We've got to take the, uh, OTHER way, you know?"

The grizzled old man shook his head. "T'ain't no other way! You think we would have stayed marooned all these years if there'd been another way out? And we lost good ships trying... the Thoth Amon, the Loch Ness, the Julia Dream... all those good people... It's the Energy Barrier! It's not like the Dean doesn't know about it!" The grizzled old man collapsed in a weeping heap on the floor of this convenience store.

The Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl took me aside.

"Antarctica is a no-man's land. Off limits. It was the landing base of the Ancient Ones. But once the new order was established, it just fell off the maps. No portal routes, cold and windy all the time, people just wrote it off."

"So... how do we get out of here? What's close? The tip of South American can't be THAT far..."

"The Energy Barrier. Like the grizzled old man said. It's like this permanent wall of auroras. Popular tourist destination but no way through it."

The Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl and I looked each other in the eyes. She has little sparkles inside hers.

"We're headed to the pole," she told the grizzled old shopkeeper.

Slobodkina 7/1/2022 11:59pm

The little holographic tour guide girl made short work of the grizzled store keeper. She turned electric blue and the air crackled with electricity and he dropped the shotgun like it had shocked him. Most of the lights stayed on, but thankfully not the boom box.

"Oh lord I knew this day would come!" the old man said, grovelling on the floor. "By all that is holy kill me now! I've got no stamina for your mines and eternal torture pits! Please!!!"

"You've been a very inhospitable host!" said the little holographic tour guide girl, looking down at him with fists on her hips. "We're just two weary travelers who have lost their way. And we've got gift cards from Mr. Hammer that we can use as much as we want."

The old man looked up. "Mr, Hammer, you say? Dean Hammer?"

"Yes, the CEO of Zephyr Air. This is a Zephyr Air Quick Station, right?" I asked.

The old man looked confused. Then relieved.

"I knew old Dean wouldn't forget about us," he said. "You're here with the rescue team! Hooray! Hooray!" and he leaped up from the floor and began to dance like a leprechaun, his long gray hair and beard flying this way and that.

"I do not think this shopkeeper is a good judge of character," said the little holographic tour guide girl.

Slobodkina 4/3/2022 11:42pm

A neon OPEN sign sputtered in the window of the McMurdo Zephyr Air Quick Station. But it didn't look very open. In fact, the entire dirty little outpost seemed deserted. We hadn't seen a soul since landing, and had to handle trying down the Thot Slayer entirely by ourselves.

The door swung open easily enough. We shut it behind us to keep the wind out, and stomped the snow and mud off our shoes.

"We need to get you a nice puffy coat!" said the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl. "And boots!"

There were dim fluorescent lights in the tiny room, which smelled a little like mold. There were shelves of canned food and snacks, beer and pop in the back. No one was at the register, but there was a boom box behind the counter playing an old song:

'Going to the city, got you on my mind,
Country sure is pretty, I'll leave it all behind'

"Hello!!!" called the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl. When there was no answer she called again, using her Penetrating Sonic mode. It made the cans of Pringles rattle on their shelf.

"Hey! Watch it!" I yelled, covering my ears.

There was a crash from the backroom of the tiny store, like a wall of cans falling over. Then another crash, like broom and mops falling on the cans. Finally, the door to the backroom burst open, having been kicked from the other side, and a grizzled old man with long gray hair and beard appeared, pointing a rather antiquated looking shotgun right at us. His eyes were wild.

'Cause I'm a fool for the city, I'm a fool for the city,
I'm a fool for the city, I'm a fool for the city'

Slobodkina 1/26/2022 11:15pm

"This is not how I pictured Fiji," I told the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl.

The Thot Slayer rattled and leaned into the blast of cold wind. At least I assumed it was cold, based on all the ice on the ground.

"That is the McMurdo portal," said the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl, pointing out the windscreen at the portal we'd just come through. It was like the other portals we'd seen, that is to say a big metal ring floating in the sky. Except all those portals had been busy, with lines of airships coming and going. Aside from a few sad looking hulks on the ground, there wasn't another ship around. Just a few shacks and more ice and occasional dirt.

"But we most clearly went through the Suva portal. I didn't even see a McMurdo portal back in Auckland," she continued. "I bet it's that mean old Mister Hammer playing tricks. Oooooo that burns me up...." and the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl began to make fists and get that blue glow when her eyes turn white and sparks start coming out of her head.

"Hey hey hey, you, uh, just take it easy, Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl. I'm sure it was all just some kind of mix up. Oh look, there on the ground. Isn't that one of those Zephyr Air Quick Stations? Don't we get free Cokes or something at any one we visit?"

"Sure, we get free everything at Zephyr Air Quick Stations. Unless that mean old Mister Hammer was lying about that too."

"Well you just take it easy, and we'll make a pit stop and see what they know about the portal. Sound okay?"

The Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl sulked for a moment, and then lit up. I mean, in the good way.

"Oh little boy or girl or self described other," she said. "You always know just how to cheer me up. Let's go!"

Slobodkina 12/5/2021 10:06pm

I was spending some time alone in the observation bar. Sky Tower didn't get a lot of visitors, so I had the place to myself. Seemed like it hadn't been properly cleaned since the Confusion, and the worn out office carpet could really use a zoom brooming, but the little pouches of peanuts I found behind the bar were still edible. Luckily the whole place had stopped rotating after Mr. Hammer agreed to our demands. Auckland looked nice.

"Well, I've got it all planned out!" said the Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl, who appeared out of nowhere and whose name I'd begun to capitalize. I'd never thought to ask her name. Do little holographic tour guide girls have names? Was it that long alphanumeric code on her tour guide girl badge maybe? Anyway, she had a way of just popping out of the blue, which in this case made me spill my peanuts.

"Oh I'm so sorry, did I startle you, young boy or girl or self described other? Tour guide girls must remember never to approach visitors in a way that is startling. Oh my I must report myself for a recalibration--"

"No, no no no. You're fine. Please -- no diagnostics are necessary. I'm looking forward to leaving you a five-star review."

"Oh that would be very sweet, young boy or girl or self described other. But not until the assessment survey! Which I'm sure is coming sooner than ever, now that I've booked the series of portals that will lead us to the wondrous land of Arvada!"

"That's very kind, Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl, but I promise you that Arvada is not so wondrous. Or at least is didn't used to be."

"Well anywhere with your mommy in it is just BOUND to be wondrous! But I will say I had to chart us an interesting route. The usual portals were closed to us, and the portals that are available between here and Arvada may be in some disrepair."

"Closed? To us?"

"I'm sure it was just some network latency error because we're already so far off the main grid. But don't you worry! I've been overseeing Mr. Hammer's repairs to the Thot Slayer and do you know what I had him include?"

"Uh..."

"I hope you like soft serve ice cream!!!!"

Slobodkina 10/12/2021 10:17pm

"See what a little positive thinking can do? And I'm 100% POSITIVE!"

The Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl was still glowing electric blue, floating about five feet off the floor, electrical discharges shooting out from her hair and fingers and toes. Mr. Hammer had left the room after agreeing to her demands, which were:

1) That my commission be reinstated (including a complimentary promotion to captain from Mr. Hammer).

2) That I be granted ownership of the Thot Slayer (based on some arcane law concerning salvage provision).

3) A lifetime warranty and free maintenance of the Thot Slayer at all Zephyr Air Quick Stations worldwide (apparently the Zephyr Air Transport company had devolved into a run-down but expansive franchise chain of combination airship stations and convenience stores).

It was everything I could ever need to make my way in this world. With the exception of knowing where the missing six years of my life went.

"Yes I guess Mr. Hammer was a victim of positive thinking alright."

"He's a nice man, but he's not really your mommy or daddy or guardian, is he?"

The Little Holographic Tour Guide Girl didn't sound disappointed. Just noting a fact.

"No, he's not."

"Well then it's time we set off on finding them, don't you think?"

I guess she really wasn't going to let that one go. It was in her programming.

"My dad is dead," I said. "But my mom lives in Arvada."

Slobodkina 8/28/2021 11:57pm

Mr. Hammer took us to his office, just a few floors down from the docking area. Level 52, according to the door in the stairwell.

"Please, call me Dean," he said. "Have a seat."

There was a single cheap desk in the center of the room with a pair of busted office chairs in front of it. The rest of the floor was bare and you could see the city in all directions.

"This whole floor used to rotate -- a full 360 degrees every hour! But we had to deactivate it and use it for parts."

The little holographic tour guide girl and I took seats. Dean sat behind the desk in his.

"So, well, as I'm sure you're aware," he went on, "records got a little frazzled when the Ancient Ones arrived. There were electromagnetic hurricanes and intelligent carnivorous computer viruses and everything just went a bit haywire. The Confusion they called it. But we were able to find some paper records from the time that you describe. You filled out a number of official complaints..."

"Yes, my Leading through Caring initiative." It all seemed like a million years ago. A different lifetime.

"Well it turned out to be a good thing, because our HR department ended up keeping quite a file on you. Wanting to make sure they had everything neatly documented leading up to your termination."

"My what?!"

"Yes, you know, there was all kinds of official paperwork that had to be filled out for that kind of thing back then. On paper! God, the amount of things I had to sign. Anyway, that's where your disappearance had been recorded. Yes... here it is... 'Last communications received just before entering the Bermuda Triangle. No further transmissions detected. All hands considered lost.' And yet here you are, and here's the Thot Slayer. What happened to the rest of the crew?"

The crew. Sigh. Guess I hadn't given them much thought for awhile. But they always marched to the beat of their own drum I suppose.

"Bermuda City, sir," I replied,

Dean Hamer looked startled. "Bermuda City? All this time? Well things did get a bit mixed around during The Confusion. Like you, they had their commissions cancelled after not checking in for six months."

"My commission's been cancelled?"

"Well, technically, yes. But now you've arrived, and in possession of Zephyr Air Transport property..."

The Thot Slayer.

"Please, Mister Hammer," the little holographic tour guide girl squeaked. "Now's not the time to play the blame game! We've come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good. Now I think it's time for us to CELEBRATE!"

And the little holographic tour guide girl turned a kind of electric blue, with thin strands of lightning coming from her hair. The overhead office lights started blinking, and with a mighty creak, Level 52 began to rotate.

Slobodkina 7/15/2021 10:58pm

CLUNk-CHING!

The Thot Slayer docked with a satisfying Clunk-Ching. Much more resonant and real than the magneto fields (or whatever) generated at the prior facilities we'd been.

Auckland's Sky Tower wasn't originally created as a moor post for airships. Like all such towers of their era, winds were too unpredictable to allow for safe docking in such a dense urban environment. But through the the intervention of the Ancient Ones (who restored peace and harmony to our war-exhausted planet), world weather patterns were altered to allow for it. Even here in a backwater like Auckland. According to the little holographic tour guide girl.

"Oh I can't wait to meet your mommy or daddy or guardian!" she twittered. We were waiting for the passenger boarding bridge to lock onto the main hatch. "My job is SO rewarding."

"DISARM DOORS AND CROSSCHECK" came the voice over the speaker.

I disarmed the door, and the little holographic tour guide girl and I looked at each other.

"Cross-checked" I replied.

After making visual contact with us, Auckland ground control decided we weren't meddling hacker kids and guided us in. But they weren't exactly what I'd call welcoming. There weren't any other ships in dock, but a number of long abandoned ships and rotting hulls lay on the tops of the surrounding buildings.

"CLEAR TO OPEN" came the voice.

I opened the doors, and over the threshold came cool air and the smell of the ocean and earth and green.

A man walked down the gangway. Long hair and a white beard. Army shorts and a black t-shirt. Socks and loafers.

"Welcome, Thot Slayer. I'm Dean Hammer. CEO of Zephyr Air."

"Is it your DADDY?" asked the little holographic tour guide girl.

Slobodkina 5/28/2021 11:19pm

"Ooof! And here we are. Auckland!" the little holographic tour guide girl exclaimed. "Any more of that Monte Cristo left?"

I hadn't been able to eat another bite after viewing the wreckage in the portal at Hanga Roa. And the foul weather in Pape'ete hadn't helped.

"Uh, sure." I handed her the box.

"Oh, ugh! What did you do to it? There's really no point when they're all mashed up like that."

Auckland lacked the graceful spires and monstrous curved structures of the other cities we'd passed through. There were the famous skyscrapers, like the Pacifica, Commercial Bay and Seascape buildings, and of course the old Sky Tower, but it seemed stuck in a different era from everywhere else we'd been. Like me.

"I just know your mommy and daddy or guardian are nearby. They'll be so happy to see you I am sure! Would you like to give them a call?"

The little holographic tour guide girl gestured towards the comms panel.

I picked up the headset and opened up the HQ frequency.

"Uh. Come in Zephyr Air Transport actual. This is the Thot Slayer. Come in Zephyr HQ. Over."

Static.

"Come in Zephyr Air HQ. This is Thot Slayer. Come in."

More static.

The little holographic tour guide girl looked at me expectantly.

"Oh I'm so excited! This really is one of the best parts of my job."

The line continued to hiss with white noise. I tried using the little morse code button. I tried hailing a few more times.

Then, just as I was about to hang up...

"Who is this? How did you get this frequency? If this is you hacker kids meddling again..."

"Hooray!" cried the little holographic tour guide girl. "We found them!"