SHIP'S LOG:

Berrysoul

Highland Berrysoul 4/13/2021 11:57pm

"I, uh.... Thank you for inviting me into your home... Mr. Grumble? May I call you that?"

The old gnome mumbled something incomprehensible. He hadn't mumbled anything comprehensible since he let me in.

I sat with my knees up in my face at his tiny kitchen table. It was a sturdy table, and well hewn, but his entire dining set was just a few sizes too small for me. The gnome knocked about in the sink and put a kettle on. Small as the accommodations were, the heat from the stove was warming me up nicely. Steam rose from my soaked gloves and cloak, which took up too much room on the tiny kitchen counters.

"Well, I certainly owe you a grand story for letting me into your home on a night like this. How about--"

SLAM! banged the pans in the sink.

"I don't need you spreading your poison here in my own home, do I son? Don't you think you've done enough already? Just look at the place!" The old gnome could apparently speak quite clearly when he wanted to.

"Well..." I wasn't quite sure what to say. "I think you have a lovely home. And we can't all afford regular housecleaning services--"

"It's not my hygiene I'm talking about son! It's the SIZE! You have completely forgotten when we were bigger than you, haven't you? Well let me tell you about it, son..."

Grimble Grumble 3/1/2021 11:40pm

Oh god who is it now.

I should have bought the remote for the Spy Eye. Otherwise I wouldn't have to trudge through all these halls to get back to the door and see what kind of uninvited nibnab is banging at this time of night. And in the middle of winter when I can be a bit bleary eyed at that.

It's probably one of those door to door religious salesmen, with their civilization and culture and history in song and dance and videos and magazines. Not that I've got anything to play it on.

Oh lord it is one of them. The fish eye on the Spy Eye makes him look like a ferret when he looks it in the eye.

I'll just pretend I'm not home. Or asleep. These doors are thick enough he has no idea what's happening on this side.

No idea at all.

Yes, I'll just leave him at the doorstep, and trod back down these endless halls, into the depths... into my house...

Highland Berrysoul 1/17/2021 10:54pm

It's all imaginary to remember a time when being the Prince of the Island of Berrysouls meant anything. All the creatures of the Underground Forest of Secrets and the Aboveground Forest of Secrets were here long before there was any kind of "royalty" on the island. The Royal Line of the Island of Berrysouls established itself sure enough, but so long ago nobody can say if it was a rosy romantic kind of time or a genocidal destruction kind of time. Knowing what we know now, it's hard to imagine it wasn't the latter (because why would the indigenous creatures welcome some bunch of people showing up and declaring it their kingdom?). I mean, whichever it was, and no matter how long we've lived here, it seems like we're from "somewhere else" no matter what.

Nowadays, it's not like I've got any special privileges or anything. Except for the "privilege" of not being tied down to any particular piece of land on the Island of Berrysouls. Nope! Not me! I'm free as a bird. And when it gets wet, or dark, or I'm hungry or cold or thirsty, well then it's up to me to make myself useful now isn't it?

Ah, 'ere we are. Forbidden Tree 17. Home of one @Grimble Grumble, and I've got something he's been missing.

Highland Berrysoul 12/4/2020 11:15pm

"Hello? Anybody home?"

I look right up into the camera, or eye-thing or whatever. It's drippy wet and goopy, hanging by tendrils from the ceiling of the porch.

"It is I, Highland Berrysoul, born Prince of the Island of Berrysouls, now a common pauper like yourselves. I would speak to you on this dreary night in the Forest of Secrets!"

The thunder claps, and more rain comes down. I pound on the door again and look up into the eye.

"It's really quite wet and cold out here tonight. If you could spare a warm space by the fire I'd be happy to regale you with stories of my family history on the Island of Berrysouls! It's culture! The very last of our civilization! Truly, a fair trade!"

I might have to settle with just sleeping on the porch.

Grumps Tickler 10/16/2020 11:54pm

Missing packages from your porch?

Experiencing non-delivery? of your ideas and more?

Nosy neighbors nicking your loot right from under your snoot?

Identity thieves picking through your mail and leaving a burning bag of you-know-what on your welcome mat?

Hi, denizens of the Forest Garden. Are you having trouble with your mail not making it to you? Is it almost as if your stoop is haunted? Forest tweakers stealing your stuff?

Then I've got JUST WHAT YOU NEED! It's Grumpy "Grumps" SPY EYE OF KNOWLEDGE!

Just take one SPY EYE OF KNOWLEDGE and afix it to your door frame, portico, or tiny roof and keep an "eye" on what's going down!*

The spying SPY EYE OF KNOWLEDGE sees all, and you'll see it too through easy installation of the Third Eye Security app. Scan while you nap, or ACTIVATE NOTIFICATIONS for real time alerts!

SPY EYES OF KNOWLEDGE are FRESH and will stick to your vestibule veranda for weeks before needing replacement. Use the naturally adhesive root ball and stick it right were you want it** and the spying SPY EYE will SEE ALL!

Order today! You can find me, Gramps Grumpy "Grumps" Tickler holding court behind the big rotted snag with my herd of newts. 9 different colors available! Get your pick of the best of this batch before I need to crawl down in that hole and harvest more.

And tell 'em necessity sent ya.







* see enclosed diagram for proper installation technique
** always make sure the SPY EYE EYE HOLE patented crab's eye lens is focused right where the action is

Mount Angel 9/5/2020 11:45pm

I have one delivery for a Divine Tooth Ache for the Sugar Fairies of the Island of Berrysouls. Can anyone direct me? The toothache is hermetically contained in a crystal vial, safely sealed with packing tape into its styrofoam shipping module. I just need somebody to sign for it. Been waiting at the mouth of the cave near the entrance to the Underground Forest of Secrets for awhile now and can't get anybody to take it. HELLO IN THERE! ANYBODY HOME? If I don't get a signature before sundown it's heading back to the distribution center. Tracking ID# VGhlcmUgaXMgYSBtYXAgdG8gdGhlIGdvbGRhbiBudXQuSSB3YW50IHlvdSB0byBqb2luIG1lIHRvIGZpbmQgaXQ=.

Grimble Grumble 7/27/2020 8:35pm

Any sign of my mushrooms in there, @Vulpes V. Vulpes? I ordered 6 different types of mushrooms. c/o the Forbidden Tree.

I came up from my home, eating, sleeping, drinking my wine. But it was summer and time for mushrooms! So I placed my order with KITForestGarden Co. expecting "free" and "next day" and "contactless curbside pickup" and assuming everything to go smoothly.

So I put on my scarlet tunic, a blue green hood, it looked quite good, and had a big adventure, amidst the grass, fresh air at last, but can't find my mushrooms anywhere.

I contacted KITForestGarden Co. about my order but they transferred me to Zephyr Air Transport, who transferred me to you, @Sheila Thortson. Can you tell me when I can expect to receive my deliveries? Without enlisting all of the denizens of the forest wood?

Vulpes V. Vulpes 6/18/2020 8:36pm

Oh, uh, yeah @Jack Moonfang. I guess all this Belladonna I found with our Digitalis delivery must be for you! Sorry we didn't tell you earlier but we hardly ever check the Underground Forest Neighborhood Forum so it's total luck I saw your post.

Want me to... leave it behind a big rock? You know we're not too comfortable going deep into the forest.

Lemme know!

VvV

Jack Moonfang 5/6/2020 9:25pm

Owwwwwoooooooooooooo!

Our Belladonna shipment is overdue.

Is there a tracking number? Did it get lost in the air? Did you leave it at the entry to the Underground Forest of Secrets and it was stolen?

How do I report non-delivery?

Sheila Thortson 3/29/2020 6:55am

King Erll,
Better donate!