Billy Nailsearliest post first | most recent post first
The Sadie Hawkins 5/22/2019 10:36pm
First time sorting interdimensional mail, kid? Yeah I can tell. It's less about trying to figure out what all these scribbles mean and more about just a feeling. Like that one. Hold it in your hand, close your eyes, and take a breath. Is it near or far? If it's far, though it over there. If it's near, drop it right in front of you. Now, how near? Nearer than the last one? Just trust your gut. The thing is, we've got Lilix's mail from that Psychic High School, and now we've got an increasing amount of crazy mail that Starry Skye and Sparkleshine keep bringing back from their little trips. And yes I know that Starry Skye says the moth's name is something different but I already told you what I know about names. The point is, the mail from Lilix is something we're getting paid for, and get paid on delivery for as well. Half up front, half on delivery, that's the deal. But this other mail is what they call pro-bono, and no matter how much that toothless hag drools on it, I don't count half-cooked eel as payment! So let's figure out which of these letters are for paying customers, and make sure the captain doesn't forget we've all got bills to pay.
The Sadie Hawkins 2/19/2019 8:50pm
See what I told you, kid? This is why we never leave crew behind.
Sure, it was cold, and we didn't have anything left to eat but those eels the old toothless hag kept bringing to us and throwing on the fire, but when the sky ripped open and that purple flame came out I just knew it was all working out. When Sparkleshine poked her nose out and came wafting through on her plasma plume, it's like I'd already seen it happening all before, just like that. And when Starry Skye hopped off and dumped that big bag o' mail at our feet I just knew it was all for a reason.
That old cackling hag seemed to know it too, when she scrambled up to the bag and started digging through it, letters flying everywhere. I know I shouldn't go readin' other people's mail, but here's a copy of one that landed by my feet:
Now Billy Nails knows there's lots of different languages in our universe, and you can't quite see it in a copy like this but those symbols floated above and inside the piece of silver onionskin they were writ on. I ain't seen no letters like that before.
And that old hag just keeps on cackling.
The Sadie Hawkins 11/10/2018 6:25pm
When you’re a real crew, kid, then nobody gets left behind. Ever. That’s why we’ve been stuck in this endless search patten for so long, tryin’ ta find a sign of that stowaway, and her flying plasma moth Sparkleshine.
I guess she’s not really a stowaway any more, not after all we’ve been through, but since we’ve never been properly introduced I don’t feel comfortable calling her by her given names. Back where I grew up, our real names were secret and sacred, and we only ever used them if things were real serious, so I’ve always been real careful with names.
But ya know, the more we scour these purple meadows and ancient cairns, the more it just makes me want to say:
Where are you, Starry Skye?
The Sadie Hawkins 8/1/2018 10:56pm
So, you think a mail run is boring, do ya kid? Not enough action for ya? Well lemme tell ya ol' Billy Nails is perfectly happy with this pace of life, and one day you'll appreciate it too--if'n ya live that long. Like comin' within an inch of having our hides shot through with nails as long as your arm was your idea of a good time? If it hadn't been for the stowaway reappearing with that fire breathing space moth we'd all been done for. Sparkleshine, she's named it, and don't forget that our ship would have been incinerated when it hatched if that stowaway hadn't bailed out with it in the nick of time and saved us all. And all that just since our last proper port! You've got a taste for danger now, and I have no doubt you'll get a chance to taste it again--more than your fair share most likely! So you best learn to savor these quieter times, when there isn't much else to do but watch the stars go by, and see that giant purple space moth dive and flitter round us, iridescent in its magnetic field, feeding on space plankton, blowing rings of flame and flying through them as we navigate an asteroid field. Yup, kid, these are the times that make it all worthwhile.
The Sadie Hawkins 5/27/2018 10:39pm
Just between you and me, kid, I think the Captain's in over his head this time. The Hzjcel family is the most powerful clan on this rock, and there's no way they're letting the Shnarv get these prime Woolies we're haulin. But the Shnarv are the only family who happen to own the vital parts we need to leave this purple llama ranch for good, so the Captain's taking the only choice he can, which is a rough spot, kid. You always need another way out--a plan B if things don't go your way. And I don't think the Captain's got one up his sleeve this time. So you just man your guns and duck when old Billy Nails tells ya, alright?
The Sadie Hawkins 4/7/2018 10:40pm
That stowaway turned out to be a real star, huh kid? I knew she had the right stuff the moment I first laid eyes on her, hiding in that barrel. Call it my Old Airshipman's Instinct. Same way I know you're a good sort too. But don't you get any bright ideas about taking one for the team like that. You're too young. That stowaway had been around the block. Enough to know exactly what that chrysalis was, and what would happen if it woke up. If she hadn't had been swabbin' the deck just outside the hold, we'd all be goners. We hit the turbulence coming into that moon, and she knew the stakes. She gave it her all rolling the bathysphere out the cargo door. And we never got a chance to thank her.
The Sadie Hawkins 2/21/2018 7:16pm
Feel that wobble, kid? No? Well neither does anybody else. But nobody knows this ship better than me, and I keep careful watch on her displacement. Everything that goes on and off this ship, old Billy Nails know it. But not this time kid! You can feel it in the tiniest of tremors when elevate and make a starboard turn. That's why you've seen me walking the decks, moving the watercooler, double counting the stores. We've taken on a little over a hundred pounds since we left SN1987A or my name's not Billy Nails! You just keep your eyes peeled and let me know if you see something out of kilter, something not ship shape.
I suspect we've taken on a visitor--a stowaway--but don't you mention a thing to anybody till we get more evidence.
The Sadie Hawkins 1/31/2018 11:37pm
Hey kid! First time on an airship in deep space? Yeah, I saw you staring out the windows. Feels like we're going nowhere, right? Well that's because there's not much out here to gauge our clip by. Stars are stars and they shine so hard, and there's no telephone poles or clouds to watch go by. Those stars are so far away, they just sit there in the distance and it feels like we're standing still. Even with the windows open there's barely a breeze, and the Sadie Hawkins' arti-G keeps things so cozy you'd think we were in dock. But don't let any of that fool you. It's the Story Engines that keep us alive out here, shielding us from cosmic rays and space debris... if we hit a soda can at this speed the whole ship would explode into cosmic dust. Get down to the engine room and make yourself useful and you could learn a thing or to from old Howard, the Chief Librarian.
The Sadie Hawkins 12/9/2017 5:48pm
First time to the Monkey Kingdom, kid? Pretty grand, isn't it? The towering ruins, the jungle vines, the flowers. It is one of the most magnificent approaches you'll see as the ship makes its way up river to Omomyidae. But now that we're moored and have some liberty, don't forget all the sky sailors that got shaved by those Monkey Pigs! They still got the hunger for hair, I hear, so you make sure to take a buddy or two when you're ashore. Best you stick to Sapientown, and if you're looking for a night out, and visit the Lost Airman--that's a safe place for greenhorns like you.
The Sadie Hawkins 11/30/2017 11:01pm
Psssst! Hey kid! Yeah, you. You know where we're headed, right? The Haplorhini Kingdom. Just let it roll off your tongue: HAP-LORE-HINEY. Sounds pretty exotic, doesn't it? Makes you think of palm trees, coconuts, white sand beaches, right?
Well you're probably too young to remember it, but back in the day you know what we called it? The Kingdom of the Monkey Pigs. That's right, and we weren't being speciesist. That's what their name translated to in their own language. And they were tough, let me tell you. I knew some old timers who fought them in the Monkey Pig Wars... Amos, and Captain Chairbreaker and the rest. When they first made contact with the Monkey Pigs it wasn't pretty. It was war was what it was. The Hairy Huns who Hunger for Human Hair is what they called them, because they had an insatiable hunger for one thing: that's right--human hair. They wouldn't kill you--they'd take you prisoner and keep you on one of their farms... shaving you for a snack whenever they felt like it!
But Captain Chairbreaker and his crew brought the fight right to the Monkey Pigs, and with their nets and syrup cannons brought the armistice. After that, they changed the name to the Haplorhini Kingdom, on account of it was better for tourism.
So you just watch your back when we get there. And get back to work! What are you doing just lollygagging around like that? Look sharp or I'll report you and you'll be looking at half rations for a week, you will. Get along!