The Flying Comradeearliest post first | most recent post first
Hey this sounds like a lot of fun! Whisper Genius is introducing me to the guinea pigs and teaching me all about their little idiosyncrasies. They're so cute to watch through the picto-screen I can't wait to see what kind of fun we'll have together! Thanks Whisper Genius!
Job claimed by Ben Tater 2018-08-05 22:44:03
Fly your own airship--from the comfort of your own home!
Have you always wished to be the captain of your own airship, but have found that the commitments are just too much?
Do you like controlling large lighter-than-air craft through the familiar screen of your own computer?
Do you have an interest in giant guinea pigs?
Then the Flying Comrade is looking for you!
We've got an airship full of passionate Marxist-separatist guinea pigs of exceedingly large size who need YOU to help give them direction in life. And in the air! Sure. they're spunky and have minds of their own, but love the firm hand of guidance and mentorship, especially when communicated via picto-screen and the remote-release of enormous kibble pellets. You stay home and tell these guinea pigs what to do as they drive their airship through the sky, wreaking havoc and liberating the proletariat as they go!
Live the Dream today!
Please respond via this service to Whisper Genius, emcee emeritus of the Whisper Genius.
Oh I give up. You can't teach these giant guinea pigs a thing! At the very least, Scruffy has found a good home, but I've found the Guinea Pig Red Liberation Army impossible to control. At least in terms of complicated heist scenarios.
Which is why I've decided to monetize my interest in these giant guinea pigs and their airship by renting it out for remote control. As previously stated, "control" might be too strong a word, but at the very least I can rent out access to the picto-screen and the ability to open and close the interior treat-chutes for their giant kibble. While clients may not be able to get them to act with any kind of precision, one can affect their behavior in a general sense, which might prove amusing for someone wishing to surprise their wife on her birthday, or drop loads of giant guinea pig poop on the unsuspecting crowd at a football match.
So! If you or someone you love would like to take remote control of The Flying Comrade, and attempt to provide guidance to this unruly crew of giant guinea pigs, please contact me through this social media site and I'm sure we can come to a mutually agreeable arrangement.
Of course I knew all the cash would get soiled. I told the giant cavies that's what it was for--it was the only way to interest them in breaking it out of the bank. My plan had been to direct them to pilot the ship to a safe location not more than a day or two away, and then have them dump it where I could retrieve it. Naturally, I was planning on having it laundered, but how messy could it get after just a day or two?
It turned out very messy. Something about all the smells and bacteria and pheromones all over that dough made those guinea pigs go go go! They were tremendously excited, and drank huge amounts of water and chomped down their pellets and Timothy hay and started popcorning around the ship, causing some minor damage to the decks. And they were too agitated to take my instructions over the picto-screen, and instead drove the ship right over the parking lot at the outlet mall and dumped it all out there. All the poop, and all the urine soaked bills.
At first, the people in the parking lot were confused to see the 10's and 20's floating down over them, spinning in the air like snow flakes. They must have thought it was a game show, or a promotion, and began racing around the parking lot, scooping up the bills and stuffing them into their pockets and clothes... until that rank, ammonia guinea pig pee smell settled in, and they began to notice the french bread-sized turds falling from the sky as well. At this point many of them retched, and fled back to their cars. It was all captured on cell phone video and posted on the internet. You probably saw it.
In the chaos, the Guinea Pig Liberation Army went back to doing what they do best, and knocked over a Pet Smart and took all the bedding and guinea pig pellets and Timothy hay and headed back to the skies.
The most difficult part of the job turned out to be tearing the roof off the bank. After breaking the winch on the first two attempts, Beefy Ray Cakes suggested the dynamite.
"Well, why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?" I asked.
"WEEEEEEK WEEEK WEEEK WEEEEK!" squealed Beefy Ray Cakes.
After blowing the roof off the vault, Ruth, Handsome Becky, and Monkey Magic skittered down the ropes and began scooping up the bills, which now lay loose in piles amongst the rubble. Scruffy lowered the net and they loaded up a giant bundle, and we had time for two more before the sirens got near.
As soon as the ship was clear, all the guinea pigs rushed to the hold and began to sniff at the giant piles of money. Then, using their massive, triceratops-sized heads, they spread it around the hold. They pushed it with their snouts out into the passageways, and into all the compartments, including the deck.
And then they started peeing and pooping all over it.
Raiding giant produce farms had been the bread and butter of the Guinea Pig Red Liberation Army. They know how to sniff them out from the air, and security is low enough that an airborne approach is usually successful. They're adept with the winches and pulleys and can fill the hold with huge carrots and heads of lettuce. I've told them if they want my experience on board as an advisor then we need to up our game. They squeak and look attentive during my presentations via the view screen, but they're so used to living a cash-free lifestyle, it just doesn't compute for their giant guinea pig brains.
Aside from food, the other thing they understand is bedding. They gather up old newspaper and fill the ship with it, then dump it out when it gets too stinky. This has given me an idea...
The bank robbery was a disaster. Navigating the behavior of the giant guinea pigs on the ship was no trouble--release a pellet and ZOOM goes the ship. Hard to starboard! About port! And with the help of Google Maps I was able to guide The Flying Comrade right where it needed to be. In transit, via closed circuit TV, I had the guinea pigs study a series of diagrams I had made of the interior of the bank, describing the role each guinea pig would play in the heist. As a safety precaution, none of us used our own names, but instead used the code names I had given them: Handsome Becky, Yul, Hermione, Chuckles, Beefy Ray Cakes, Monkey Magic, and Ruth. Scruffy remained Scruffy because I already knew his name so it didn't matter.
As soon as the guinea pigs entered the bank, it was chaos. They shut the front door behind them and squealed out "WEEEEEEEEEEEEK! WEEEEK WEEEEK WEEEEK WEEEEK WEEEEEEEK!" but instead of hugging the ground, everyone in the bank ran around frantically. This spooked the giant guinea pigs who began to tear around the lobby of the old bank, popcorning and occasionally smashing an old woman sitting on a couch. And of course there was pooping. When some bank customers finally opened up the doors and ran outside, all of the guinea pigs joined them in the stampede, trampling patrons with their mighty girth. Once outside, they found the rope ladder leading up to the ship and quickly scampered up. The ship then beat a hasty retreat.
During our debrief, it became clear the guinea pigs didn't understand the value of money, or why we wanted it, or even what it was. I thought it would appeal to their radical anti-capitalism, but I guess it was too abstract. I will need to focus their attention on something more concrete. Something that appeals more to their guinea pig nature.
Through the interface provided by Zephyr Air Transport, I discovered I am not only able to keep tabs on my dear Scruffy via closed circuit surveillance, but I can also remotely control various internal functions of the ship. Most importantly, I've discovered I can cause small panels to open which distribute large pellets of food! Do all Zephyr Air Transport ships come thus equipped?
Though the guinea pig crew does hold some dogmatic ideological beliefs, I know the quickest way to a guinea pig's heart--even a gigantic guinea pig heart--is through its stomach. So now, I effectively control The Flying Comrade!
I think it's time we rob a bank.
As part of my insurance settlement with Zephyr Air Transport, I've been given access to the closed circuit tv surveillance on board The Flying Comrade.
Guinea Pig Cam 1: The bridge. Two giant guinea pig butts They must be operating the controls.
Guinea Pig Cam 2: The galley. Strewn with Timothy hay. And poop. Three enormous guinea pigs chomping.
Guinea Pig Cam 3: The cargo hold: More hay. Four giant guinea pigs chomping. And pooping. And popcorning! Hey look it's Scruffy! He looks happy. He's spouting revolutionary dogma.
More from the Airshipping News:
DATELINE--NEW MICHIGAN A Local Timothy Hay producer was the victim of an ariel "smash and grab" last night, the most recent in a string of robberies and acts of property destruction plaguing the Hidden Corners area.
"It was in the middle of the night, but something had those chickens all riled up," said Rafael Figueroa, owner of the Rusty J Timothy Hay Ranch. "I was worried it was the fox, you know, because he's one bad guy who likes chickens, so I grabbed my shotgun and headed out to the barn. But it sure wasn't a fox I'll tell you that!"
What Rafael discovered was a merchant-class G-81 semi-rigid airship parked silently over his barn. Six very large guinea pigs were busy hoisting up a cargo net full of Mr. Figueroa's finest Timothy Hay into its open bomb-bay doors.
"Very large? Oh, Yes, I'd say so. Each one was about the size of a Chevy," said Mr. Figueroa. "They were pulling and pulling on a big rope, hoisting my hay up into their cargo doors. I held up my gun and said "Hey you guinea pigs! Stop that! Drop that hay!" but it was too late. The hay was in the hold."
It was at this time that the guinea pigs began popcorning and leaping around the tiny corral, spooking the horses and causing Mr. Figueroa to inadvertently fire his gun into the air, peppering the hull of the massive ship with shot.
"That sure got their attention, all right. They all turned and looked at me with those big round eyes, then scampered up the rope and into the ship. Then I watched their ship putter off, into the clouds and darkness. It was a rough night."
As this is the fourth such incident in the Hidden Corners area in the past 10 days, it is believed that the bandit gang is holed up near by. Residents are asked to report any suspicious airship they find, perhaps parked in a hollow or a clearing in the woods. Mr. Figueroa is offering a reward of an undisclosed amount for the return of his hay, or any portion that has not been eaten or soiled by the enormous guinea pigs.