SHIP'S LOG:

Dragon's Tooth

Clammy Hamsphere 7/10/2018 8:19pm

OMG my brothers and I can't believe it, but RETURN TO THE MERMAID IMPERIUM is back on! And they're doing one of those time jumps where a lot of stuff happened after the end of the last arc but now new stuff is happening and you don't really know what's going on but it's GOING ON, know what I mean?

So, Slyr is like, Emperor of the Mermaids? But left, and is already coming back? Maybe it's some Odysseus thing, and bad guys took over and he'll have to be in disguise and win a trident shooting contest, and then use the electric trident gatling gun and spear all the bad guys? Or is it like Robin Hood and the archery contest? Or Jasmine in Aladdin?

Anyway, we celebrated by getting frozen fish sticks but not heating them up, in honor of Sir Edmund Rockwell and the polar regions. But the tartar sauce was warm because it was from those little packets. And the lemonade was warm too, so it was like what they had to do to survive when they were stranded in the pack ice for months.

SLYR 7/6/2018 8:00pm

At long last, I have returned to the Mermaid Imperium after my voyage with Sir Edmund Rockwell to the polar regions. There, I collected a vast store of highly volatile Neodydaxitirinium for use in the armament of my troops. I'm on the outskirts of the city now, and it appears much has changed in the months of my absence. I'll have to observe from a distance and analyze the situation.

Clammy Hamsphere 7/6/2018 6:07pm

My brothers and I have seen Electric Mummy Land on the Ancient Movie Channel so many times that we can recite the whole movie to each other word for word. We do it at night before falling asleep, wearing our white nightcaps, all in a row in our single/twins.

“Oh it’s just a moth, Janie. It can’t hurt you.”

“But I don’t like how dry they are, mummy. And there isn’t just one, it’s like a, a thousand! A thousand million! And oh how they flutter and flap. They’re making holes in the screen and I just know they’re gonna get me. Can’t you do something, mummy?”

“You’ll be fine, and I won’t hear another thing about it. Now finish your onions and drink your honey so you can get to bed.”

Clammy Hamsphere 6/13/2018 9:47pm

With War on the Mermaid Imperium on hiatus, we really miss it. And there really isn't anything else to watch. We've already watched all of The Daphnia Mysteries, Mission Atlas Supreme, The Big Fakey, Charm Market, Bones of a Theory, Planet 17, Enthusiasm Island, and Ishii Talent of the Four Winds, but nothing quite hits the spot quite like War on the Mermaid Imperium. Definitely our favorite show.

On the Ancient Movie Channel we watched Electric Mummy Land for like the thousandth time, which is a great movie. But it's important to have new shows. I wonder what they're even going to call War on the Mermaid Imperium now, because isn't the war over? Is somebody else going to make war on them? Or will it be Mermaid Imperium: War on the World? That's what my brother thinks.

Well, in the meantime, we've got a bowl of wet popcorn and old maids and are going to watch another rerun of Animal Partners.

Clammy Hamsphere 5/24/2018 10:23pm

To watch the finale of the War on the Mermaid Imperium: THE IMPERIUM STRIKES BACK story arc, we had to move to my other brother's apartment. Like me and my other other brother, he has an apartment above a convenience store on 273rd street and Broadway in the other Tri-City. One brother for each wife. We'd been at my other brother's for so long, I forgot what a hassle it was to move the big old black and white TV from one hovel to another. All the tubes and wires are really complicated, and it took us seven trips on the bus to get it all moved, and then a few days to get it hooked up correctly. My brother's apartment looks just like my other brother's apartment so in the end it was like we had never moved at all.

Anyway, after the exciting TAKING OF THE PALACE episode, the apartment suffered only minimal damage. My brother said it was just the rats in the walls that caused all the shuddering during the STORMING OF THE GATES, and we were as surprised as everybody when Slyr removed his helmet and his flowing locks poured out and the mermaids recognized him as their rightful king (as prophesied in the LOST HISTORY OF THE MERMAID IMPERIUM episode). As his long, flowing, Fabioesque waves of lush, dark hair floated out from his head in the throne room and all the mermaids bowed down, my brother's hair began to grow. Both of them. Which was quite phenomenal given how bald each of them were. Their hairs grew and grew and began to fill the floor of the tiny apartment, picking up lint and cat food and crumbs as it pushed to fill every nook and cranny of the tiny living room. By the time the ending credits were over it was up to our ankles.

So since then we've been braiding each other's hair, and wondering about next season.

Clammy Hamsphere 5/7/2018 10:15pm

Each time we tune into War on the Mermaid Imperium: THE IMPERIUM STRIKES BACK, my brother's apartment gets more and more wrecked. On the episode where they hijacked the electrical cable cars that ran through the smuggling tunnels, we blew a fuse in the kitchen and sparks were flying everywhere! It turned out my brother (the other brother) had put a Jiffy Pop popcorn in the microwave. I don't know what he was thinking. But between the puddles on the floor and all that electrical current, we had it as bad as those sharks in the tunnels. My brother lit up so bright you could see his skeleton inside him--just like Heade "The Hammer" Sorck. I can't believe he's dead. Maybe they'll bring him back later. My brother was better in a couple days.

And when the crew of the Dragon's Tooth and the remaining Shark Troops appeared in the Mermaid Market and were immediately spotted and had that big fight and the bangles and tiaras went flying everywhere? At that exact same moment, a garbage blimp passing over the apartment accidentally dumped its load of old tin cans right on top of us. What a clamor! They're still covering the roof and all over the sidewalks and the parking lot--stinky empty tuna cans attracting stray cats, smelly empty dog food cans attracting stray dogs, sticky empty cans of whole bing cherries in juice attracting bees. I told my brother we could collect them and turn them in and make a couple dollars. All he said was we weren't watching at his place anymore.

SLYR 4/20/2018 4:47pm

Th Shark Tribe's siege of the Mermaid Capital has proven effective. By cutting off the Mermaid's supply lines of food from the Squidfolk's Kelp Farms in the 6th Sea, they've begun to slowly run out of supplies. I don't want to wait for that eventuality though, since who knows how much food they've got stored up. The conflict could last much longer than anyone here wants it to. The problem is, taking out the Mermaids in one fell swoop is easier said than done. The last couple of full-frontal attacks, even with the might of the Shark Tribe rallying with me, weren't enough to overwhelm the Imperium. I've been conferring with Munch and the Shark Tribe's top generals, Megan Lodon, Ghratwhi Teshrac, Tigresh Hark, and Heade "The Hammer" Sorck, and we've got a plan in the works to sneak into the city using old smuggling tunnels. We'll see how viable this strategy is, but we're all on high defensive mode. Rumors that the Mermaids are gearing up for a counterassault have been spreading. I guess we'll have to wait and see if The Imperium Strikes Back.

Clammy Hamsphere 4/11/2018 8:24pm

My brothers and I were so excited to watch War on the Mermaid Imperium: SHARK ATTACK. We made tuna fish sandwiches a week in advance, and when we wiped up the puddles from the leaks in the roof we left the towels on the floor so things would be even more damp.

We were watching an infomercial for a blender that turns your compost into smoothies and right before War on the Mermaid Imperium: SHARK ATTACK was about to start, the power went out! The light bulb and the TV went out completely. And the refrigerator, which is usually really loud because of the motor. And THEN, the scariest thing happened--there was a big pound on the wall! THUD. And then the other wall! THUD THUD. And pretty soon there was big banging on all the walls and the picture of our mother fell off the wall and broke on the floor! THUD THUD THUD.

The pounding went on and on. My brothers and I all hugged each other on the couch and screamed.

And then it was over. The electricity came back on and the light bulb glowed back to life and the refrigerator started making noise again and after the TV warmed back up it came on the but episode was over. We didn't even get to see scenes from next week.

The next afternoon we decided to go outside and see what happened but we couldn't see much in the rain because my brother's apartment is on the second floor above a convenience store and there's just a rickety staircase that goes up to the door.

SLYR 3/27/2018 10:19pm

I landed at the Shark Tribe's capital roughly a week ago. It's hard to tell time when you're so deep underwater, the sun barely reaches these murky depths. Negotiations were tough at first, but after I told them I was at war with the mermaid tribe things almost immediately turned around. From what I've been able to glean, they've always suspected that the Mermaid Imperium was behind the waterspout that caused the death of their beloved queen Tierella. The Shark Tribe turned out to be far more technologically advanced than I had expected them to be, having mastered many forms of swift water transport. With the Shark Tribe on my side, I'll finally be able to launch a decisive blow against the Mermaid Imperium!

I've been talking with Munch XV, the current king of the Shark Tribe, and we've come up with a plan of attack. I won't risk recording the details here until after we launch our attack, but let me just say this new strategy gives me some much-needed hope. The Dragon's Tooth is fully repaired from the previous battles, and it's even been retrofitted with a pair of waterjet engines to help it glide through and under the waves with ease.

I must say, things are looking up.

P.S.: In clarification of my last entry, J.U.G.G.E.R.N.A.U.T. stands for Joint Utilitarian General Gunship Eradicator of the Regional Naval Alliance of the Underwater Territories, obviously. It's a Naval Alliance because technically the Mermaid Imperium is formed of mermaid fiefdoms and city-states that have allied themselves into a singular Imperium under the rule of "Aeotherum Sateqo the Magnificent", their emperor.

Clammy Hamsphere 3/27/2018 9:24pm

The rain has stopped here but that's because it's been so cold. And it's extra cold at my brother's apartment because instead of windows he just has the cardboard and the duct tape. But when we turn off the single exposed light bulb hanging in the place we can pretend we're in the cold and murky depths of the inner sanctum of the Shark Tribe! Just like on the TV.

We've been enjoying the Shark Tribe storyline. The first couple of episodes had a lot of exposition, which was fine because not everybody is up on the whole backstory of the Shark Tribe, which is like 450 million years old, and is so romantic, like the story of Tierella and Munch, the star-crossed shark lovers who were king and queen and they would ride around on big three-wheeled choppers through the coral lanes and all the bottom feeding paparazzi would take their picture wherever they went, but then Tierella got caught in a waterspout and flung onto the land and couldn't get back and Munch tried to drive his chopper on the land to save her but it got stuck in the sand and the tide brought him back and he went crazy from grief and all the joy went out of him and that really had a big influence on their culture from then on.

So we're excited to see where the story goes! Except my brother keeps stealing the one blanket he has and so my other brother and I get cold sitting on the couch.