SHIP'S LOG:

Dragon's Tooth

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Clammy Hamsphere 5/24/2018 10:23pm


To watch the finale of the War on the Mermaid Imperium: THE IMPERIUM STRIKES BACK story arc, we had to move to my other brother's apartment. Like me and my other other brother, he has an apartment above a convenience store on 273rd street and Broadway in the other Tri-City. One brother for each wife. We'd been at my other brother's for so long, I forgot what a hassle it was to move the big old black and white TV from one hovel to another. All the tubes and wires are really complicated, and it took us seven trips on the bus to get it all moved, and then a few days to get it hooked up correctly. My brother's apartment looks just like my other brother's apartment so in the end it was like we had never moved at all.

Anyway, after the exciting TAKING OF THE PALACE episode, the apartment suffered only minimal damage. My brother said it was just the rats in the walls that caused all the shuddering during the STORMING OF THE GATES, and we were as surprised as everybody when Slyr removed his helmet and his flowing locks poured out and the mermaids recognized him as their rightful king (as prophesied in the LOST HISTORY OF THE MERMAID IMPERIUM episode). As his long, flowing, Fabioesque waves of lush, dark hair floated out from his head in the throne room and all the mermaids bowed down, my brother's hair began to grow. Both of them. Which was quite phenomenal given how bald each of them were. Their hairs grew and grew and began to fill the floor of the tiny apartment, picking up lint and cat food and crumbs as it pushed to fill every nook and cranny of the tiny living room. By the time the ending credits were over it was up to our ankles.

So since then we've been braiding each other's hair, and wondering about next season.









Clammy Hamsphere 5/7/2018 10:15pm


Each time we tune into War on the Mermaid Imperium: THE IMPERIUM STRIKES BACK, my brother's apartment gets more and more wrecked. On the episode where they hijacked the electrical cable cars that ran through the smuggling tunnels, we blew a fuse in the kitchen and sparks were flying everywhere! It turned out my brother (the other brother) had put a Jiffy Pop popcorn in the microwave. I don't know what he was thinking. But between the puddles on the floor and all that electrical current, we had it as bad as those sharks in the tunnels. My brother lit up so bright you could see his skeleton inside him--just like Heade "The Hammer" Sorck. I can't believe he's dead. Maybe they'll bring him back later. My brother was better in a couple days.

And when the crew of the Dragon's Tooth and the remaining Shark Troops appeared in the Mermaid Market and were immediately spotted and had that big fight and the bangles and tiaras went flying everywhere? At that exact same moment, a garbage blimp passing over the apartment accidentally dumped its load of old tin cans right on top of us. What a clamor! They're still covering the roof and all over the sidewalks and the parking lot--stinky empty tuna cans attracting stray cats, smelly empty dog food cans attracting stray dogs, sticky empty cans of whole bing cherries in juice attracting bees. I told my brother we could collect them and turn them in and make a couple dollars. All he said was we weren't watching at his place anymore.






SLYR 4/20/2018 4:47pm


Th Shark Tribe's siege of the Mermaid Capital has proven effective. By cutting off the Mermaid's supply lines of food from the Squidfolk's Kelp Farms in the 6th Sea, they've begun to slowly run out of supplies. I don't want to wait for that eventuality though, since who knows how much food they've got stored up. The conflict could last much longer than anyone here wants it to. The problem is, taking out the Mermaids in one fell swoop is easier said than done. The last couple of full-frontal attacks, even with the might of the Shark Tribe rallying with me, weren't enough to overwhelm the Imperium. I've been conferring with Munch and the Shark Tribe's top generals, Megan Lodon, Ghratwhi Teshrac, Tigresh Hark, and Heade "The Hammer" Sorck, and we've got a plan in the works to sneak into the city using old smuggling tunnels. We'll see how viable this strategy is, but we're all on high defensive mode. Rumors that the Mermaids are gearing up for a counterassault have been spreading. I guess we'll have to wait and see if The Imperium Strikes Back.






Clammy Hamsphere 4/11/2018 8:24pm


My brothers and I were so excited to watch War on the Mermaid Imperium: SHARK ATTACK. We made tuna fish sandwiches a week in advance, and when we wiped up the puddles from the leaks in the roof we left the towels on the floor so things would be even more damp.

We were watching an infomercial for a blender that turns your compost into smoothies and right before War on the Mermaid Imperium: SHARK ATTACK was about to start, the power went out! The light bulb and the TV went out completely. And the refrigerator, which is usually really loud because of the motor. And THEN, the scariest thing happened--there was a big pound on the wall! THUD. And then the other wall! THUD THUD. And pretty soon there was big banging on all the walls and the picture of our mother fell off the wall and broke on the floor! THUD THUD THUD.

The pounding went on and on. My brothers and I all hugged each other on the couch and screamed.

And then it was over. The electricity came back on and the light bulb glowed back to life and the refrigerator started making noise again and after the TV warmed back up it came on the but episode was over. We didn't even get to see scenes from next week.

The next afternoon we decided to go outside and see what happened but we couldn't see much in the rain because my brother's apartment is on the second floor above a convenience store and there's just a rickety staircase that goes up to the door.






SLYR 3/27/2018 10:19pm


I landed at the Shark Tribe's capital roughly a week ago. It's hard to tell time when you're so deep underwater, the sun barely reaches these murky depths. Negotiations were tough at first, but after I told them I was at war with the mermaid tribe things almost immediately turned around. From what I've been able to glean, they've always suspected that the Mermaid Imperium was behind the waterspout that caused the death of their beloved queen Tierella. The Shark Tribe turned out to be far more technologically advanced than I had expected them to be, having mastered many forms of swift water transport. With the Shark Tribe on my side, I'll finally be able to launch a decisive blow against the Mermaid Imperium!

I've been talking with Munch XV, the current king of the Shark Tribe, and we've come up with a plan of attack. I won't risk recording the details here until after we launch our attack, but let me just say this new strategy gives me some much-needed hope. The Dragon's Tooth is fully repaired from the previous battles, and it's even been retrofitted with a pair of waterjet engines to help it glide through and under the waves with ease.

I must say, things are looking up.

P.S.: In clarification of my last entry, J.U.G.G.E.R.N.A.U.T. stands for Joint Utilitarian General Gunship Eradicator of the Regional Naval Alliance of the Underwater Territories, obviously. It's a Naval Alliance because technically the Mermaid Imperium is formed of mermaid fiefdoms and city-states that have allied themselves into a singular Imperium under the rule of "Aeotherum Sateqo the Magnificent", their emperor.






Clammy Hamsphere 3/27/2018 9:24pm


The rain has stopped here but that's because it's been so cold. And it's extra cold at my brother's apartment because instead of windows he just has the cardboard and the duct tape. But when we turn off the single exposed light bulb hanging in the place we can pretend we're in the cold and murky depths of the inner sanctum of the Shark Tribe! Just like on the TV.

We've been enjoying the Shark Tribe storyline. The first couple of episodes had a lot of exposition, which was fine because not everybody is up on the whole backstory of the Shark Tribe, which is like 450 million years old, and is so romantic, like the story of Tierella and Munch, the star-crossed shark lovers who were king and queen and they would ride around on big three-wheeled choppers through the coral lanes and all the bottom feeding paparazzi would take their picture wherever they went, but then Tierella got caught in a waterspout and flung onto the land and couldn't get back and Munch tried to drive his chopper on the land to save her but it got stuck in the sand and the tide brought him back and he went crazy from grief and all the joy went out of him and that really had a big influence on their culture from then on.

So we're excited to see where the story goes! Except my brother keeps stealing the one blanket he has and so my other brother and I get cold sitting on the couch.






SLYR 3/14/2018 8:20pm


A mermaid J.U.G.G.E.R.N.A.U.T. is on the horizon, so I have to record quickly. The mermaids launched a sneak attack in the middle of the night when we had paused to make repairs. It appears we were wrong about their restriction to water, for burst came out of the water riding Arjahexian Flying Squids, and latched themselves onto the engines of my airship! They dropped some blinking crystal orbs down the afterburner shaft before I could do anything, and then dove straight back under the waves! A few seconds later, the engines stopped responding, and when I went to see what was wrong with them, they were filled up to the brim with thousands upon thousands of sardines. We only just finished cleaning out the engines and suffice it to say the sharks will feast tonight. Speaking of sharks, I think that to get an edge over the mermaid imperium, I should try to enlist the Shark Tribe in my battle. The Shark Tribe is a warrior clan, so if I can get them on my side I bet I'll be able to rout the mermaids. The Mermaid Imperium is more technologically advanced than the Shark Tribe, but hopefully, the Shark Tribe's raw power and ferocity will be up to the challenge.






Clammy Hamsphere 3/12/2018 9:46pm


When the rain soaks through the roof it drips through the peely wallpaper on the ceiling and plops right down on the TV, but we can't blow another cathode ray because there's no one left in town to fix it. Old Ed Nix's Television Repair finally went out of business when old Ed Nix died, and no one would have even known if they hadn't begun to smell his decomposing body start to turn sour from the hobby shop next door. They've got all kinds of model rockets and WWII airplane kits and model railway scenery there, and my brothers and I like to browse even though it smells so mouldy. We'll spend all day watching the trains and comparing the paints. Once we bought $25 worth of N scale railroad people and trees and bushes and a little post office and set them up around the house, till my brother sat on a tiny ladder and that was the end of it because we lack health insurance.

But the rain let up and we unwrapped the tin foil from the TV and that's why we have been getting to watch War on the Mermaid Imperium. It's been super good, what with the special effects and the storybuilding and all, and my brother pointed out that nobody really wants the Mermaids to lose anyway because they're so cool, even if they are wicked and villainous, plus there are still those mythogeopolitical issues about instability in the Seven Seas if the Mermaid Imperium were to completely collapse. We dried out our popcorn and the soggy rocky road fudge bars out in the smoggy smog light and are totally excited to keep watching it because there's no other channels we can get right now anyway. And it's our favourite show.






SLYR 3/11/2018 7:07pm


We've lost our port turbines to a missile that sneaked through our defenses. I must say that this war with the mermaids has dragged on for much longer than I thought it would, and my hopes of winning the war are decreasing every day. Without some major, ahem, turning of tides, I'm afraid the mermaids will end up victorious...






SLYR 3/9/2018 6:08pm


It appears the DMDs short-circuited once placed into the water. While a major flaw in the design, I'm rather relieved we didn't end up going through with the plan. Still, we're going to have to find another way to achieve victory, and without our weapons of water destruction, it will certainly come at a higher price.






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