Dragon's Toothearliest post first | most recent post first
The emissary to the Cephalopod Country came back. He says that the Cephalopods have chosen to not support us for fear of drawing Gra'thul's attention to them. It's hard to say whether they made a good decision at this point.
I did some research on how to slay the ancient gods, and apparently if you find someone "pure of heart" to wield some kind of "sanctified sword" they can kill the ancient gods pretty easily. All sanctified swords of the past have long been lost or destroyed, BUT it's possible to make more. That just leaves finding someone pure of heart, and I guess that's just someone without heart diseases and that seems easy enough to find.
Well, it seems that my adventure to the pole has had some ill effects. Mainly, that fact that we dug so deep we dug into the fiery realm of the ancient god Gra'thul, and he is rallying his horrific armies to kill us all. I gotta say, this is really not how I expected the mission to go, but what can you do? We're gonna need a lot more power on our side if we wanna come out on top, so I sent an emissary to the Cephalopod Country to see if they'd support us in our war against the Old One.
RETURN TO THE MERMAID IMPERIUM wasn't on tonight. It was preempted by WORLD'S SADDEST VINES, which is usually right up my me and my brothers' alley, but instead we went to the Mermaid Parade. We got there just as the mermaids were emerging from the river, covered in bioluminescent slime. It was beautiful, and the slime stuck to them like dewdrop spider webs, dripping off their tails and tridents and long stringy hair and three-wheeled choppers as they drove up over the beach and onto Main street. There were vendors with fresh wet seaweed on sticks, and the mermaid children threw candy seashells from the floats.
Ha ha! Get it? Floats?
There wasn't anybody else there but us, but the Mermaids didn't seem to mind. They just like to have a parade now and then.
OMG my brothers and I can't believe it, but RETURN TO THE MERMAID IMPERIUM is back on! And they're doing one of those time jumps where a lot of stuff happened after the end of the last arc but now new stuff is happening and you don't really know what's going on but it's GOING ON, know what I mean?
So, Slyr is like, Emperor of the Mermaids? But left, and is already coming back? Maybe it's some Odysseus thing, and bad guys took over and he'll have to be in disguise and win a trident shooting contest, and then use the electric trident gatling gun and spear all the bad guys? Or is it like Robin Hood and the archery contest? Or Jasmine in Aladdin?
Anyway, we celebrated by getting frozen fish sticks but not heating them up, in honor of Sir Edmund Rockwell and the polar regions. But the tartar sauce was warm because it was from those little packets. And the lemonade was warm too, so it was like what they had to do to survive when they were stranded in the pack ice for months.
At long last, I have returned to the Mermaid Imperium after my voyage with Sir Edmund Rockwell to the polar regions. There, I collected a vast store of highly volatile Neodydaxitirinium for use in the armament of my troops. I'm on the outskirts of the city now, and it appears much has changed in the months of my absence. I'll have to observe from a distance and analyze the situation.
My brothers and I have seen Electric Mummy Land on the Ancient Movie Channel so many times that we can recite the whole movie to each other word for word. We do it at night before falling asleep, wearing our white nightcaps, all in a row in our single/twins.
“Oh it’s just a moth, Janie. It can’t hurt you.”
“But I don’t like how dry they are, mummy. And there isn’t just one, it’s like a, a thousand! A thousand million! And oh how they flutter and flap. They’re making holes in the screen and I just know they’re gonna get me. Can’t you do something, mummy?”
“You’ll be fine, and I won’t hear another thing about it. Now finish your onions and drink your honey so you can get to bed.”
With War on the Mermaid Imperium on hiatus, we really miss it. And there really isn't anything else to watch. We've already watched all of The Daphnia Mysteries, Mission Atlas Supreme, The Big Fakey, Charm Market, Bones of a Theory, Planet 17, Enthusiasm Island, and Ishii Talent of the Four Winds, but nothing quite hits the spot quite like War on the Mermaid Imperium. Definitely our favorite show.
On the Ancient Movie Channel we watched Electric Mummy Land for like the thousandth time, which is a great movie. But it's important to have new shows. I wonder what they're even going to call War on the Mermaid Imperium now, because isn't the war over? Is somebody else going to make war on them? Or will it be Mermaid Imperium: War on the World? That's what my brother thinks.
Well, in the meantime, we've got a bowl of wet popcorn and old maids and are going to watch another rerun of Animal Partners.
To watch the finale of the War on the Mermaid Imperium: THE IMPERIUM STRIKES BACK story arc, we had to move to my other brother's apartment. Like me and my other other brother, he has an apartment above a convenience store on 273rd street and Broadway in the other Tri-City. One brother for each wife. We'd been at my other brother's for so long, I forgot what a hassle it was to move the big old black and white TV from one hovel to another. All the tubes and wires are really complicated, and it took us seven trips on the bus to get it all moved, and then a few days to get it hooked up correctly. My brother's apartment looks just like my other brother's apartment so in the end it was like we had never moved at all.
Anyway, after the exciting TAKING OF THE PALACE episode, the apartment suffered only minimal damage. My brother said it was just the rats in the walls that caused all the shuddering during the STORMING OF THE GATES, and we were as surprised as everybody when Slyr removed his helmet and his flowing locks poured out and the mermaids recognized him as their rightful king (as prophesied in the LOST HISTORY OF THE MERMAID IMPERIUM episode). As his long, flowing, Fabioesque waves of lush, dark hair floated out from his head in the throne room and all the mermaids bowed down, my brother's hair began to grow. Both of them. Which was quite phenomenal given how bald each of them were. Their hairs grew and grew and began to fill the floor of the tiny apartment, picking up lint and cat food and crumbs as it pushed to fill every nook and cranny of the tiny living room. By the time the ending credits were over it was up to our ankles.
So since then we've been braiding each other's hair, and wondering about next season.
Each time we tune into War on the Mermaid Imperium: THE IMPERIUM STRIKES BACK, my brother's apartment gets more and more wrecked. On the episode where they hijacked the electrical cable cars that ran through the smuggling tunnels, we blew a fuse in the kitchen and sparks were flying everywhere! It turned out my brother (the other brother) had put a Jiffy Pop popcorn in the microwave. I don't know what he was thinking. But between the puddles on the floor and all that electrical current, we had it as bad as those sharks in the tunnels. My brother lit up so bright you could see his skeleton inside him--just like Heade "The Hammer" Sorck. I can't believe he's dead. Maybe they'll bring him back later. My brother was better in a couple days.
And when the crew of the Dragon's Tooth and the remaining Shark Troops appeared in the Mermaid Market and were immediately spotted and had that big fight and the bangles and tiaras went flying everywhere? At that exact same moment, a garbage blimp passing over the apartment accidentally dumped its load of old tin cans right on top of us. What a clamor! They're still covering the roof and all over the sidewalks and the parking lot--stinky empty tuna cans attracting stray cats, smelly empty dog food cans attracting stray dogs, sticky empty cans of whole bing cherries in juice attracting bees. I told my brother we could collect them and turn them in and make a couple dollars. All he said was we weren't watching at his place anymore.
Th Shark Tribe's siege of the Mermaid Capital has proven effective. By cutting off the Mermaid's supply lines of food from the Squidfolk's Kelp Farms in the 6th Sea, they've begun to slowly run out of supplies. I don't want to wait for that eventuality though, since who knows how much food they've got stored up. The conflict could last much longer than anyone here wants it to. The problem is, taking out the Mermaids in one fell swoop is easier said than done. The last couple of full-frontal attacks, even with the might of the Shark Tribe rallying with me, weren't enough to overwhelm the Imperium. I've been conferring with Munch and the Shark Tribe's top generals, Megan Lodon, Ghratwhi Teshrac, Tigresh Hark, and Heade "The Hammer" Sorck, and we've got a plan in the works to sneak into the city using old smuggling tunnels. We'll see how viable this strategy is, but we're all on high defensive mode. Rumors that the Mermaids are gearing up for a counterassault have been spreading. I guess we'll have to wait and see if The Imperium Strikes Back.