Dragon's Tooth

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Clammy Hamsphere 11/4/2018 8:27pm

The ads for the mid-season finale of MERMAID IMPERIUM: THE RISE OF GRA’THUL are like a glam rock super battle of the bands, where everybody's got guitars that look like axes and swords and there are towers of flames and Marshall stacks and giant metal fishboots. My brother doesn't like hair metal so he's been dissing the show, saying that they've "jumped the shark" and doing whatever they can to "turn it up to eleven." But there's still no way he'd miss it.

We're saving up our electricity credits for the big night. My other brother used up most of them for the month on his electric fence around the yard, to keep the rats out, or in, but it's been so rainy it's like a swamp out there and we'd sit up looking out the window watching dogs and mail carriers and Postmates delivery people light up like blue skeletons when they get too close to the house. The we got our first warning brown-out and realized we needed to be careful if we wanted to have enough juice for the big show.

Clammy Hamsphere 10/1/2018 8:41pm

If they weren't venomous then they wouldn't keep the rats away, is what my brother says. But I don't think that's true. There are plenty of snakes that eat rats that aren't venomous. Those are at the houses that don't have any undead zombie rats walking around in front of them like we do, on account of the venom. Those other snakes eat the rats whole, I tell my brother, but he doesn't believe it. "I believe what my eyes can see," he says, "and I see undead walking zombie rats in the dead front yard and the alleyway. So I KNOW they're taken care of."

Which of course is nothing compared to what crew of the Dragon's Tooth went through in STRAITS OF THE KRAITS. Those poor Kraits! It seems like Gra'thul will do anything to prevent the crew from reaching the sanctified sword maker, especially if it involves really elaborate fight scenes between the Molten Minions and fully armored troops from the Mermaid Imperium. The new fighter class they introduced--Fish Monk--is so awesome because of course the Imperium would have developed underwater Kung Fu. And when you hit the Fins of Fury combo just right you can destroy Molten Minions all day long and it's super satisfying.

SLYR 8/30/2018 10:38pm

I've set out on a quest to obtain a sanctified sword. The main problem I'm facing is that there aren't exactly any detailed instructions on how to get one. However, I found a tome in the Imperial library talking about how there was some kind of undersea archmage who claimed to know the secrets of making a sanctified sword. His name was written in arcane mermaid runes, which when spoken in the ancient dead mermaid language of }~{ sound like "KcH~H/rIcc|SB[NzZ'v[QQz," so to keep things simple I'm going to call him Steve. Steve supposedly lives at one of those thermal vents at the bottom of the ocean, in the center of an undersea trench that cuts through the Sea Krait Republic. I've heard the Sea Kraits aren't particularly friendly to visitors, so we'll try to keep out of their way. I've got enough on my plate dealing with Gra'thul at the moment.

In regards to what Gra'thul's doing, he's on land just offshore. He dug a temporary burrow into the ground down to the mantle, where he's absorbing heat in preparation for his next attack on the Mermaid Capital. Our scientists predict he'll have gathered enough energy to be hotter than the surface of the sun in about two weeks. Last time, we stopped the raging monstrosity by retreating into deeper, colder water, which cooled down Gra'thul enough to force him to go back on land to warm up. He won't make the same mistake again, so we have to be ready.

Clammy Hamsphere 8/30/2018 8:54pm

There has never been a show more epic than MERMAID IMPERIUM: THE RISE OF GRA’THUL. Unspeakable horrors from beyond! Hideous lava slug creatures! The Slaying Sleighs! Giant talking octopi! And of course the indescribable monstrosity of Gra’thul itself.

Mermaid history was really cool, but my brothers and never guessed they’d break out and create a whole new mythology to explore. Gra’thul was some kind of larval space parasite, floating around looking for warmth in a new born star system. Gra’thul and its ilk find a star nursery, bury themselves in the molten core of a planet as it forms, then grow for billions of years, eating the planet from the inside, until it finishes growing and explodes the whole planet, spewing new larval parasite babies into space, where they find a new stellar nursery and start the whole process over again. Pretty awesome.

Coincidentally, it turns out my brother has a bicycle tire fire smoldering in his closet. He says it's been going on since before he moved in, which explains the burnt rubber smell that's always here. He offered to take us back to look at it but we were too scared after the Gra’thul scene in the last episode.

SLYR 7/28/2018 10:03pm

The emissary to the Cephalopod Country came back. He says that the Cephalopods have chosen to not support us for fear of drawing Gra'thul's attention to them. It's hard to say whether they made a good decision at this point.
I did some research on how to slay the ancient gods, and apparently if you find someone "pure of heart" to wield some kind of "sanctified sword" they can kill the ancient gods pretty easily. All sanctified swords of the past have long been lost or destroyed, BUT it's possible to make more. That just leaves finding someone pure of heart, and I guess that's just someone without heart diseases and that seems easy enough to find.

SLYR 7/28/2018 9:51pm

Well, it seems that my adventure to the pole has had some ill effects. Mainly, that fact that we dug so deep we dug into the fiery realm of the ancient god Gra'thul, and he is rallying his horrific armies to kill us all. I gotta say, this is really not how I expected the mission to go, but what can you do? We're gonna need a lot more power on our side if we wanna come out on top, so I sent an emissary to the Cephalopod Country to see if they'd support us in our war against the Old One.

Clammy Hamsphere 7/28/2018 9:19pm

RETURN TO THE MERMAID IMPERIUM wasn't on tonight. It was preempted by WORLD'S SADDEST VINES, which is usually right up my me and my brothers' alley, but instead we went to the Mermaid Parade. We got there just as the mermaids were emerging from the river, covered in bioluminescent slime. It was beautiful, and the slime stuck to them like dewdrop spider webs, dripping off their tails and tridents and long stringy hair and three-wheeled choppers as they drove up over the beach and onto Main street. There were vendors with fresh wet seaweed on sticks, and the mermaid children threw candy seashells from the floats.

Ha ha! Get it? Floats?

There wasn't anybody else there but us, but the Mermaids didn't seem to mind. They just like to have a parade now and then.

Clammy Hamsphere 7/10/2018 8:19pm

OMG my brothers and I can't believe it, but RETURN TO THE MERMAID IMPERIUM is back on! And they're doing one of those time jumps where a lot of stuff happened after the end of the last arc but now new stuff is happening and you don't really know what's going on but it's GOING ON, know what I mean?

So, Slyr is like, Emperor of the Mermaids? But left, and is already coming back? Maybe it's some Odysseus thing, and bad guys took over and he'll have to be in disguise and win a trident shooting contest, and then use the electric trident gatling gun and spear all the bad guys? Or is it like Robin Hood and the archery contest? Or Jasmine in Aladdin?

Anyway, we celebrated by getting frozen fish sticks but not heating them up, in honor of Sir Edmund Rockwell and the polar regions. But the tartar sauce was warm because it was from those little packets. And the lemonade was warm too, so it was like what they had to do to survive when they were stranded in the pack ice for months.

SLYR 7/6/2018 8:00pm

At long last, I have returned to the Mermaid Imperium after my voyage with Sir Edmund Rockwell to the polar regions. There, I collected a vast store of highly volatile Neodydaxitirinium for use in the armament of my troops. I'm on the outskirts of the city now, and it appears much has changed in the months of my absence. I'll have to observe from a distance and analyze the situation.

Clammy Hamsphere 7/6/2018 6:07pm

My brothers and I have seen Electric Mummy Land on the Ancient Movie Channel so many times that we can recite the whole movie to each other word for word. We do it at night before falling asleep, wearing our white nightcaps, all in a row in our single/twins.

“Oh it’s just a moth, Janie. It can’t hurt you.”

“But I don’t like how dry they are, mummy. And there isn’t just one, it’s like a, a thousand! A thousand million! And oh how they flutter and flap. They’re making holes in the screen and I just know they’re gonna get me. Can’t you do something, mummy?”

“You’ll be fine, and I won’t hear another thing about it. Now finish your onions and drink your honey so you can get to bed.”

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