Billy Nails

The Sadie Hawkins

11/30/2017 11:01pm

Psssst! Hey kid! Yeah, you. You know where we're headed, right? The Haplorhini Kingdom. Just let it roll off your tongue: HAP-LORE-HINEY. Sounds pretty exotic, doesn't it? Makes you think of palm trees, coconuts, white sand beaches, right?

Well you're probably too young to remember it, but back in the day you know what we called it? The Kingdom of the Monkey Pigs. That's right, and we weren't being speciesist. That's what their name translated to in their own language. And they were tough, let me tell you. I knew some old timers who fought them in the Monkey Pig Wars... Amos, and Captain Chairbreaker and the rest. When they first made contact with the Monkey Pigs it wasn't pretty. It was war was what it was. The Hairy Huns who Hunger for Human Hair is what they called them, because they had an insatiable hunger for one thing: that's right--human hair. They wouldn't kill you--they'd take you prisoner and keep you on one of their farms... shaving you for a snack whenever they felt like it!

But Captain Chairbreaker and his crew brought the fight right to the Monkey Pigs, and with their nets and syrup cannons brought the armistice. After that, they changed the name to the Haplorhini Kingdom, on account of it was better for tourism.

So you just watch your back when we get there. And get back to work! What are you doing just lollygagging around like that? Look sharp or I'll report you and you'll be looking at half rations for a week, you will. Get along!