SHIP'S LOG:

WonderFly9000

Milt McGee 9/25/2024 10:04pm

The path down into the depths of this particular Horrendous Peak of Underland (one of the thirteen) was an icy spiral staircase.

"Watch your step," I told Tom.

"Ow!!!!!!"

thump thump thump thump thump thump thump

Milt McGee 6/4/2024 11:13pm

"What's the matter? You bunch of scaredy cats!" hollered Tom.

Tom's mountain cat commandos were indeed scaredy cats. So scared, in fact, they had been temporarily turned into bone. They stood white and immobile along the deck, staring out into space. I'd told them not to look directly into the empty eye sockets of the enormous cat skull as we flew into its mouth.

"Hush Tom!," I called softly.

The enormous cat skull sat upon one of the 13 Most Horrendous Peaks of Underland. And with the giant empty eye sockets and the spaces between the teeth and jaw, it wasn't pitch black in the cat skull's mouth. At least not during the day.

Tom hung off the bow, whiskers and nose in the air.

"I still can't smell anything," he said. "But take a look down there..."

It was the entrance I'd visited when I made my devil's bargain.

Al 2/12/2024 10:24pm

What? You said your guys were tough?

(muffled meows)

You knew he was headed to Underland. You didn't share that with your muscle?

(muffled meows)

Well you're going to lose him unless somebody follows him in. I've given you everything you needed. It's not on me if this doesn't pan out.

(muffled meows)

I said don't worry about Patsy. She knows what's good for her.

Milt McGee 10/19/2023 10:38pm

"Well ain't that a sight to see!" hollered Tom, hanging over the rail near the bow. "Whooo-eeee!"

The rest of Tom's crew wasn't quite as excited. Deeply disturbed would have been more like it.

We'd threaded the The Needles and entered Underland. Past where maps end and there are no brochures, but every sky pilot and air trooper and even grade school kits knew the stories, and they weren't far from the truth. From this altitude, the landscape of ragged mountain ranges and decrepit woods looked like a wasteland of bones and rotting corpses. From experience, I knew it was like that on the ground too.

"Aw, c'mon boys," hollered Tom. "No risk, no reward! And we're going for the biggest score there is!"

Some of Tom's cats made a halfhearted cheer. The rest were still frozen in fear. And for good reason. Nobody in their right mind would want to face the entities that made Underland their home.

When you steal milk from Gods, the only ones you can fence it to are real Devils.

Milt McGee 7/16/2023 9:05pm

Tom and his band of mountain cat commandos made good crew. They were well disciplined, came well supplied with their own rations, and took up just about as much space and weight as a full load of milk bottles, so the WonderFly9000 wasn't too overburdened.

They were freebooters, and Tom had fallen into a windfall he'd never dreamed could come true. I explained the plan in detail.

"You're just putting me on," he asked over the eastern edges of the hinterlands.

"No, I'm afraid not.

And days later, as we skirted the coast of the Breakfast Sea.

"This all can't be true, is it?"

"I'm afraid it is, Tom."

And, as The Needles came in sight over the western horizon:

"You're really not fooling, are you?"

"No I'm not fooling, Tom."

Milt McGee 3/29/2023 11:54pm

It was clear that Tom had a special feeling for milk.

"Yeah, as a little kitten I used to sleepwalk quite a bit."

The rest of Tom's mountain cat commandos had fallen asleep, gently snoring here and there about the decks of the WonderFly9000. But Tom had a kind of preternatural energy about him. We stayed up talking on the bridge, looking out over the tops of the trees we were anchored to.

"We lived in a barn in a valley at the edge of a forest. I'd get up in the middle of the night... no memory of any of this, mind you... and somehow make it down from the hayloft. My momma'd wake up and take a count and find I wasn't there, but after awhile she knew where she could find me."

"Where's that?"

"Sitting up right in the middle of the field, starin' up at the Milky Way with my tongue out."

"Aw, that's cute."

"Yeah, but I'd have a splash of milk on my nose. Or my forehead, or my tongue sometimes. Devil's Milk my momma'd call it. I'd get a whippin."

"Oh, that's too bad," I said.

"She was a mean old queen. But that whippin'd wake me up. And you know what? When I woke up I'd taste that milk. And that's a taste you don't ever forget."

"And that's why you and I are especially well suited, Tom," I said. "Because that's right where we're headed."

Milt McGee 12/23/2022 11:55pm

"Meeeooooowwwwwyou've got some serious milk here, if I'm not mistaken."

It was a mountain cat commando of some kind.

"Call me Tom," he said. He had bandoliers and big whiskers, a camo shirt with the arms torn off into a vest, his big tabby fur busting through. "If you just sit tight, I'm sure we can conduct our business amicably." He was also armed with a small automatic weapon, which he pointed at me. "Boys!" he called.

The WonderFly9000 was being boarded by a whole squad of mountain cat commandos.

"Sitting tight!" I said, as amicably as I could.

It didn't take long for the mountain cats to discover this milk blimp was empty.

"Then what's that smell?" asked Tom.

"It's an old milk blimp," I answered, amicably. "Bottles get broke. No use cryin'. But it does tend to seep into the wood."

"Not that old stink. I know the musky scent of old spilt milk when I smell it." Tom took a walk around the empty cargo bay, where I was being kept under gun point. "This is something... a whole lot deeper. Richer. Like... that smell babies have on their heads... but they're baby GODS..."

Even Tom's squad was looking at him funny.

"Like... the nectar of a primordial ocean of milk! The gods themselves bathe in it to create their divinity! Churning, at the beginning of time..."

How could Tom have known all that? How could he have smelled it on me?

His big giant oval pupils dilated as he looked at me for the answer.

All his men cocked their guns.

"Tom... how would you be interested in a partnership?" I asked.

Milt McGee 9/30/2022 11:39pm

I'd headed northwest, over the rolling forest for miles and miles, till the spotting tower was well out of sight. Then I took a hard right to the northeast.

Night began to fall. In a pinch, a solo sky sailor might lock the rudder and take a nap at the wheel. That's fine if you're deep in the open spaces, and the tingle bells and storm lights are meant to give any approaching ships fair warning. But those precautions won't keep you from being boarded, and I was running dark and silent. So to be on the safe side I had to drop tree anchor and get some shut eye.

It wasn't unheard of for a mountain cat to climb the anchor rope of a milkship in search of a drink, but the Wonderfly was empty. Not even empty bottles on board. For the time being.

"Meowrrrrrrr?"

There may be some old stinky spilled milk soaked into the decking, come to think of it.

Al 7/18/2022 11:57pm

Yes, I know for a fact he headed out today.

(muffled meows)

Check with the spotting towers and I'm sure they'll have a record.

(muffled meows)

You just keep your eye on him when he gets there....

(muffled meows)

Yeah yeah, I'm tellin' ya -- he's the only one they'll let in. He's the key.

(muffled meows)

You just leave Patsy out of it, like we agreed, and I'll make sure he sees the light.

Milt McGee 4/19/2022 9:59pm

"Ahoy blimpship!" called the spotting tower.

I'd pulled the WonderFly9000 down to walking speed, just to keep things on the up and up.

"Ahoy tower! Any news?" I yelled back, as hard as I could.

"Fair weather ahead! Barometer rising! No fires or incursion spotted!"

"Roger that!" I yelled back.

The spotter was no doubt recording our markings in her book. Nothing but an old milk frigate on a journey to the hinterlands.

Which is why I kept her slow as we passed out over the forest. A milk truck has a certain gait, more so when she's full of milk, but even when she's empty her bottles weigh her down.

Which is why I unloaded all the empties and the racks before I left. Stacked them up in the shed behind my house, back in the valley.

"Don't you worry, @Patsy McGee," I said. "You know I'll be back, and we can get back to the small town livin' we've always wanted."

Patsy looked at me and shook her head.

"Are you kidding?" she asked. "I'll be long gone. This place ain't safe anymore. And I don't rightly know where is."