Thot Slayerearliest post first | most recent post first
I accept the job
My presentation didn't go over as well as I thought it would. Why did they even invite me if they weren't interested in post-colonial fashions and trends? Looking at all those old white grumpy faces in the audience I knew they weren't down with it, but I didn't think they'd pull the plug on my mic. And projector.
Luckily, however, I have such a big twitter following that they couldn't just disappear me, so instead they've sent me back to the Thot Slayer with my own personal handler, who's there to report on my activity and I assume actually stop me from doing anything they don't want me doing,
Which is why I am officially releasing my manifesto on ████ at exactly ████████.
Job claimed by Hugo 2019-01-16 20:17:06
Good day, maties!
It would be of great gratitude and honor to anyone who would be able to ship five pounds (5 lbs.) of iguana tails to Port Nelson in Rum Cay. If I am not mistaken it is in the Bahamas, right along the Bermuda Triangle. I would need it shipped in the next 10 decades or so, but feel free to take your time! I hear the Bahamas will beautiful this season, at least in my timeline.
Well lucky me! Guess who's headed to the Colonial Symbolism Symposium and Colloquium? That's right! ME! I mean, and the crew of the Thot Slayer. They're apparently on this big diversity kick, and word of my progressive attitudes (not to mention snazzy new uniforms) seems to have gotten around. So, I'm getting my deck ready, and practicing all my TED Talk hand gestures.
I'm just so happy that a formerly stodgy old place like the Colonial Symbolism Symposium and Colloquium is interested in hearing about new ideas. Because I'm just full of them.
Full steam ahead! TO THE COLLOQUIUM!!!
First day of the new, gender neutral uniforms! Inez, the ship's seamstress, was happy to work on the project, and actually had designs that she'd been sitting on for years! I guess their time had come. Plus, the old uniforms were looking pretty ratty after being repaired and resized for so long.
Anyway, we ended up using the drapes lining the curved stairwell on the observation deck. I don't know why they even had the drapes, as it was blocking such a beautiful view. Now the entire crew has been fitted out in sharp looking yet highly functional gray jumpsuits, with reinforced shoulder pads on top of a triangular padded breast-plate, and plenty of pockets for all those airship tools. Even a hoop to hang that airship ball-peen hammer! I swear this will make a huge difference not only in our operational efficiency, but in how we're perceived as we go about our work as Ambassadors of the Air!
What goes completely unaddressed is the entire male-centric aspect about the whole thing. Military order, uniforms with officer hats that have no room for your hair... when they let women in I swear it's just because they get off on seeing them dressed up like SS officers or something. The only way to play along is with a riding crop and an attitude and just indulge all their male fantasies, even if they don't realize it's exploitative or weird. To them it's just how it is--the whole popular airship culture. Well I've had it, and I'm going to do something about it.
Also, the "rank" thing. Captians, First Mates, Second Mates, Third Mates (they have those?), Quartermasters, Boatswains, Powder Monkeys, Able Airshipmen, Wipers (I KNOW!!!). I mean, I understand not EVERYBODY could be captain because we'd never get anywhere, but couldn't things be a bit more consensus driven? And I think everybody would be a bit more well rounded if we spent time in different positions, you know, navigator today and surgeon tomorrow?
The whole fact that we have this obviously military system seems sketchy. Are we at war here? Who are we fighting? Well I'll tell you it's US--all these ranks of oppression with no real enemy in sight means we've turned the system against ourselves, and made ourselves the enemy. Because what's the punishment for insubordination? That's right--keel hauling! Which is just as dangerous in the air as it is in the water.
Ok but what's with the uniforms? I mean, I'm willing to believe that airships just on their own aren't giant symbols of crypto-imperialism, but why do we all have to wear these uniforms? I was getting fitted for mine, and I have to admit the epaulettes are pretty swishy, but isn't that just another symbol of military and authoritarian oppression that we're whitewashing by decontextualizing it in this way? I asked Inez, the ship's seamstress, and she says she's just thankful to have a job, so who am I to be critical? I guess I'll just wear a uniform and fly around in a giant airship and pretend I'm not sucking out the last dregs of privilege left over as booty from 100 years of worldwide exploitation.
So I was convinced by the very nice HR person at Zephyr Air Transport that all the Colonial Symbolism that they utilize has been thoroughly vetted and laundered through state-of-the-art post-appropriation mechanisms, not to mention completely immersed in proprietary meta-irony compounds before being allowed contact with the public, and there was no danger of succumbing to any kind of "creeping rot" or other sleepy fascist/imperial tendencies through exposure to it. So I'm finally ready to sign up, and just as soon as I finish up this big bowl of ice cream I'm heading down the to the recruitment bureau to take my physical. See you there!
Hey so my vacation fell through (really weird series of coincidences) and so it turns out I do have time to ship out with the Thot Slayer for the summer. Yay! But, as I was waiting at the air ticket counter while they looked for my plane reservation I began to have some questions about Zephyr Air Transport and its role in colonialism? Specifically, doesn't Zephyr Air Transport, through the technology it employs, serve to perpetuate colonial symbolism and a yearning for a "simpler time" when the white hero could serenely fly above the underdeveloped, unwashed masses, safe in a technological (and thus implied moral) superiority? Isn't Zephyr Air Transport merely post-colonial propaganda to distract the marginalized classes from their oppression, fetishizing a giant floating phallus as it imposes its girth upon the natives below, strafing them with its streamlined vision of a future forever denied?