SHIP'S LOG:

The Hartlepool

Gray Jenni Fields 2/13/2025 11:57pm

I just hit 100k followers with my Cybernetic War Monkey videos! Thanks so much to everybody for all the likes and shares.

But sometimes I worry people are following me for the wrong reasons. Like, for instance, when it's a cybernetic war monkey attack on a bank or a convoy of banana trucks, those get like 10x more likes and shares. Especially if they're using their laser guided flechettes or some other fancy weaponry.

On the other hand, when I do a "price of war" video, or interview the business owners, those get hardly anything. And I really starting posting these videos to protest the illegal cybernetic war monkey trade.

But, you know, a girl's got to monetize if you want to make it online! I was able to quit my crappy in-home customer service job because of this account. I've got a kid to feed I really can't see myself going back...

Guy Reese 10/17/2024 11:10pm

As a rule, cybernetic war monkeys stay together as a group. The group provides protection, as well as assured access to food and clean water, and a dry tent to sleep under at night. It's also hardwired into those cybernetic brains of theirs.

As part of my research, I had a few cybernetic war monkey components installed--just temporarily of course--and I can tell you the pack sense is strong. I ended up driving my RV directly to the nearest cybernetic war monkey enclave and setting up camp. Luckily, due to the specialized electrical impulses and MHF (monkey high frequency) signals emitted by the components, I wasn't immediately attacked and torn apart and eaten by the cybernetic war monkeys. Removing the components at that point took every ounce of human will I had left, and thankfully my tactically reinforced RV allowed me time to escape the pack once they realized my signal had gone dark.

Which is why seeing two cybernetic war monkeys leaving their encampment on a minibike under cover of night was highly unusual.

Private Vervet 6/26/2024 11:55pm

"C'mon Bertie... wake up! Tonight's the night."

"Whaaaa? Oh, it's you."

"Shhhhh... everybody's asleep. Gorged on Banana Choco Pies. We'll be miles away before anybody notices."

"We've been through this, Mona."

"Keep your voice down!!!!"

"We've been through this Mona. There's no way we can run. General Screech will track us down. Through our trackers! Installed in our brains, remember?"

"Shhhh you'll wake the MPs..."

"We're half cybernetic war machine, and half monkey. But that cybernetic half isn't even us. It's SimianTech."

I show him what's in my hand.

"How did you??"

"It's now or never, Bertie."

General Screech 3/6/2024 10:08pm

To me, my Cybernetic War Monkeys!

Tonight it is this 7-11. Tomorrow morning: the self serve car wash. And by nightfall, the U-haul self storage lot!

But now, you wire-headed primates, it is time to indulge in the plunder of our new empire -- a truckload of Banana Choco Pies!

Skreeeeeeeeeeek!

Guy Reese 11/7/2023 10:01pm

Guy Reese -- Cybernetic War Monkey Wrangler

I charge 3500 a day and no questions asked. How I wrangle the war monkeys is nobody's business. I'm just here to get the job done.

You better scoot on out of here and find some place safe.

And no videos or photography allowed.

Macaque_fya 8/5/2023 11:12pm

Look at those lil cyborgs go!!! the purple LEDs really look great in a firefight, but you've gotta figure it makes them easy to target. amirite? but if nobody's got snipers then...

YES! they brought down all the glass YES ALL THE GLASS on the front of the 7-11. BOOYA!! Short burst of concentrated fire at the bottom of each panel. Totally pro. Now look at them going in after those snacks.

Gray Jenni Fields 4/24/2023 11:17pm

I see those people out behind the Wallmart, making their cybernetic war monkey deals. I've had enough! I'm going to take videos of them trafficking in cybernetic war monkeys and put it all over social media. If the police won't take a stand against illegal cybernetic war monkey trade then I'll just take things into my own hands.

Iris S Sanchez 1/11/2023 7:35am

Upon arriving at Angaur I was greeted by their head engineer. He led me through their training facilities and construction yards. Thankfully the shipment of Cybernetic War Monkeys was successfully delivered to 6.90883184 - 134.1415. Upon dropping off the shipment behind the Walmart, the client successfully claimed their package, where I watched them happily beam at their abundant amount of cybernetic war monkeys.

Sarah Greenwell - 1/4/2023 10:59pm

Job claimed by Iris S Sanchez 2023-01-11 07:35:18

Hello

I was looking at what exactly you picked up before and you seem like the right people for this. I need a shipment of 51 cybernetic war monkeys from Angaur. Rough coordinates are 6.90883184 and 134.1415. I'll pick them up behind the Walmart off the highway at 2:13am behind the second dumpster. They're really special to me and won't be used for any known militant activity, just for lawn decorations.