SHIP'S LOG:

Spatuloso

Elvin Nelson 4/14/2018 4:23pm

Oh boy do I like money! Being the captain has its way of focusing your mind, and what the Spatuloso needs is cold cash on the barrelhead if we want to keep the ship running ship shape, what with oil changes and new combobulators and such. Actually the oil isn't a problem since we've converted to pure coconut oil--a byproduct of the incredible surplus of drupes given to us by the natives for our heroic acts in the islands. So not we've got a ship full of coconut and are ready to take the world by storm with our miraculous discovery.

As usual, the medallion in my head is showing me the way, and if we want to monetize these hairy spheres to maximum effect, it's telling me not to sell them as food, but as a new kind of currency! If you really want to be "off the radar" of "the man," then you shouldn't be using debit and credit cards, you should use my coconuts! There's a finite supply, so scarcity is no problem. We just need to drum up demand. Which is why I've got a TED Talk coming up, to discuss using my coconuts as a new, decentralized currency that's going to change the world! Be sure to subscribe to my channel and give it a thumbs up on the TED Talk site!

Elvin Nelson 3/31/2018 10:05pm

Oh boy do I like coconut. These islands are thick with them, and the natives have been treating us to coconut cream pie, coconut ice cream, roasted coconut puddIng, coconut milkshakes, coconut macaroons, six layer coconut cake with passion fruit filling, coconut mango frozen yogurt, coconut lemon meringue, coconut brownie bars, caramelized pineapple sundaes with coconut, coconut pavlovas, creamy mango-coconut terrine, coconut baked alaska, coconut flan, and splendid coconut bars.

I keep track of them in my coconut log, and am going to use the recipies to stir up excitement when we return to the mainland with all these coconuts.

Elvin Nelson 3/16/2018 8:50pm

Oh boy was I hungry! Not that I didn't eat great on Volcanic Island, but it'd been ages since I had a nice Squid-in-a-Hole or a Moss Burger. All I had to do was think about those sweet sweet fragrances and the medallion in my head told me which way to head the ship. I'm really getting the hang of this captaining thing!

So, after a few thousand miles of open ocean, we came to a pod of food carts on a pleasant little beach. We parked the ship and tumbled down the rope ladders and with our pockets stuffed full of gold from the immortal alien-human hybrid people we rushed to the vendors. Mmmmm mmmm mmm was it good! We cleaned them out. But then as we were sitting on the beach watching the sunset and letting all that great food settle, the Food Cart Mafia showed up! They started shaking down the vendors and taking away all that gold we just paid them.

"Men!" I cried. "And women! And theys! And shims and fers!" I cried, not wanting to be exclusive. "There are wrongs happening right here on this beach, and we, the crew of the Spatuloso, must stand up against all wrongs! Amirite??!"

And even though we were all so full of the greasy wonder, and having some heartburn, we were still a scary enough bunch of angry sailors that we made those Food Cart Mafia jerks give back the gold and run off. And the food card vendors were so happy they gave us Crème brûlée.

It's good to be the Captain.

Elvin Nelson 2/27/2018 9:10pm

Oh boy was I ever wrong about the native people of Volcanic Island. Turns out they are immortal alien-human hybrid people, who have lived on the earth since before the evolution of homosapiens, and their technology is so advanced it seems like magic. They just like to mess with us.

So they put me back on the Spatuloso, and since I was the only person to return from the away team, AND I still have the medallion sewn into my head, the crew made me captain! Go figure.

Second star to the right, and straight on ‘till morning!

Elvin Nelson 2/18/2018 9:04pm

Oh boy things sure are getting busy here on the old Volcanic Island! I've lost track of Doctor Maraca and the Captain and the old crew but I'm sure everything is just as fine for them as it is for me! Not long after our big arrival party, there were MORE visitors, and these ones were bearing gifts! Whisky, guns, gasoline, and then cell phones, semiconductors, solar energy! Just most recently it's cryptocurrency, smart contracts, and drones. I'm living with the chief's daughter up on top of the highest high-rise on the island, monitoring the output of our underground AI manufacturing facilities. Sheela (the chief's daughter) wants to diversify into bio-tech, and she's got super great intuition about these things so I'm all for it. She's also the one who put resources toward our defenses on Volcanic Island, and right now I'm watching a small group of drone attack helicopters remove some small invader from the perimeter off-shore. Gosh am I lucky to have her I'll tell ya!

Elvin Nelson 2/1/2018 10:32pm

Oh boy these natives sure know how to treat a fella right! It's been nothing but parties and dancing and food since we ran into them. That ol' medallion sewn into my head hasn't done me wrong yet. It led me right to the temple and there was a little altercation at first with the arrows and the spears and they had us all hog tied on spits ready for the fire when they noticed that shiny thing the doctor sewed into my head to keep my brains in and once they saw it they started treating me like a king! Or a god. Or something but whatever it is it's just more of the great luck I've been having ever since I hooked up with the Spatuloso. I just wish Doctor Maraca and the Captain were here to enjoy it with me. They've probably got their own private huts somewhere with the dancing girls and the feast meats. Mmmm mmm mmm yessiree this roast feast meat is so delicious mmm mmm! Wanna bite?

Elvin Nelson 1/6/2018 11:58pm

Oh boy that sulfuric volcano gas sure gets hot! The Captain drove the ship right though it and since I was out there hanging in the cage I got a face full of it let me tell you. Singed my hair and my eyebrows and my clothes are burnt off and I think the medallion sewn into my head must have taken over because I don't remember landing the ship or getting this chain around my neck and heading out into the jungle but here we are. I'm still leading the Captain and the crew to the very place the medallion wants to go and they say I'm doing a great job and that they'll even gave me water as soon as I take them to the temple. Isn't the Captain the greatest?

Elvin Nelson 12/30/2017 11:49pm

Oh boy what a view! You can see everything when you’re in a cage hanging off an airship! You can even see straight down through the bars and pretend you are flying. Well, of course we are flying, and it’s my job to tell the Captain that we’re still heading in the right direction. We’re above some of the clouds and they look just like big fluffy pops of popcorn, floating above the sea and the islands and the and the big black smoke pouring from the volcano in the distance. Yep that’s where we’re headed alright I can feel it in the medallion sewn into my head, just like a magnet it is. It won’t be long now I can tell you that!

Elvin Nelson 12/25/2017 9:42pm

Oh boy do I love the warm tropical air! Especially since I'm hanging in this metal cage outside the bridge of the Spatuloso. It swings real easy so I've been able to point the ship right in the direction the medallion wants to go. Doctor Maraca says the hole in my head is healing up good on account of all the fresh air, and that the medallion has taken a liking to me. I guess it's real picky but the doc says I'm one in a million. Or number thirteen at least.

They've been feeding me soup from a can at the end of a pole, and apparently the blackouts are just part of living with the medallion in my head. But the Captain says I'm doing a great job and to keep it up and pretty soon he's likely to promote me to Ship's Figurehead!

Elvin Nelson 12/18/2017 8:38pm

Oh boy! Doctor Maraca let me out of the infirmary! He pretty much HAD to, the way I kept bangin' my head against the door. It's that dang medallion he sewed in my head! It's got a life of its own, it has. And I have to do what it says because we're a team, that's what we is. So we get to the hall and we puts our face in the corner, we do, and Doctor Maraca he's on the speaking tube shouting out directions to the Captain like "45 DEGREES SOUTH!" and the whole ship starts turning, and we're facing the hall again and we start running till we hit another wall and Doctor Maraca calls out some different numbers and directions till the ship turns and we're free and we bounce down another hall like a ball in a maze.

Finally, Herb Seafort, the burly quartermaster, catches me up in the iron cage he does, and then they hangs me just outside the cockpit, so's I can better tell the captain which way to go. I'm a pilot now, see? Isn't this great?