SHIP'S LOG:

Invictus

Nathan Hill 12/10/2020 10:35pm

After being held captive in the Squirrel Kingdom for over two years, it's great to be free again.

After invoking our Right of Control of Social Contract (fought by our lawyer proxies armed with heavy sticks, on a rotating plate with spikes like Flash Gordon) I gained legal control and captainship of the Invictus.

The goal was to complete the pickup and delivery of the Labour of the Squirrels, from the Squirrel Kingdom to the Animal Arts & Crafts Faire in Wilderbrook.

Admittedly, my captain skills were rather fresh at the time, and we ended up being arrested and thrown in irons by the Emperor of Squirrels himself! They had begun to worship the Labour of the Squirrels as a world heritage site, and when we started to box them up, they got quite testy.

In the last two years, of course, the Labour of the Squirrels itself has lost its market value, and is now just a priceless and culturally important copse of rotting snags, southwest of the Seat of the Squirrels.

I will not go into the story of our capture and subsequent escape at this time, but very much look forward to our new engagement with Witch Delivery™.

Nathan Hill 1/23/2021 11:42pm

I couldn't see how to make it work.

"I just can't see how to make it work," I said.

Quiller gives me that look like she can't believe what she's hearing. She's been giving me it a lot.

"You were only locked up for TWO years. Things haven't changed THAT much."

"I've just never been comfortable with new technology."

"But this OLD technology. WITCH technology! It's as old as... witches!"

"Ok, ok, can you just show me how it works?"

Quiller takes the crystal out of my hand. It's on a rope, like a necklace. I'd been trying to wear it.

"You spread your fingers out, and let the crystal hang down, like it's in a swing, see?"

I saw.

"Then, you chant your user ID, kind of in the back of your throat. Subvocalize it."

"Uh huh. Subvocalize."

"So, what's the user ID?"

User ID... I remember I had to make it up when we unboxed the crystal. What was it...?

"Invictus 123"

"Ok, now watch."

Quiller subvocalized, Nothing happened.

She tried again.

"You're SURE that's the user ID?"

"Well... I didn't write it down. They said not to write it down."

Quiller stared at me with that look again.

"Ok Try NathanHill 18"

Nothing.

"Natty 99?"

Nothing.

"HillyBeanBaby 47?"

"..."

"Ok looks like we need to reset your user ID. Where are those instructions that came with it?"

"... instructions?"

And again, there she is with the look.

Nathan Hill 3/7/2021 10:58pm

It seemed best to give Quiller control of the Witch Delivery™ Pendant. Young people do better with this new fangled technology.

"For the last time it's NOT new fangled," she says.

Yes, well, this particular "app" (or Ancient Pathway Predictor) is a bit particular, and first mate Quiller does seem to have a way with it.

"Oh, so I'm first mate now? That's good to know."

"Do you have heading for us, First Mate Quiller?"

"Yes, 420 Toadsbottom Lane."

"I see. Is that near here?"

"Well sir, it doesn't specify what city. Just that it's our confirmed Witch Delivery™pickup."

"I see. Ensign Filbert, would you mind getting out the dead reckoning maps and looking for a Toadsbottom Lane?"

"Maps, sir?" asks Filbert.

"Yes, I mean, we must have whole rooms full of maps... and indices, and... I mean, how do we know where we're going?"

"Hmmm, I see what you mean sir," said Ensign Filbert. "I guess I never really thought about it before. We just kind of... head out..."

"Head out?"

"Yes, sir, in a... direction..."

"A direction?"

"Yes sir. With intent. Intention is super important, or so I've heard."

"Or so you've heard? What do they teach in Airshipman's school?"

Quiller broke in. "Captain, wait, I think I've figured it out."

"Yes?"

"There's a setting here in the app. A little gem embedded in the controls. If I touch that...."

GAZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

Nathan Hill 4/20/2021 10:58pm

"Then here we are, 420 Toadsbottom Lane," said First Mate Quiller.

The somewhat vague and undefined landscape we had previously inhabited had been suddenly replaced by a quaint neighborhood subdivision. From our vantage point in the air we could see the neat little streets and cul-de-sacs, manicured lawns, roofs and backyard pools. I think we were all a bit motion sick for a moment.

"Well, that's convenient," I said. "So, now we do the 'picking up' part?"

We took the Invictus down low enough to get a gauge on the street names, then followed the house numbers to the address.

"Next," continued Quiller, "they'll need to sign off on transferring the package to us. It says that sometimes they just leave it on the porch, but for specially insured packages there's small ritual."

"Well, heh heh, I hope it doesn't involve blood or anything!"

"Captain, you'll need to come along."

We came to a stop directly over the yard of 420 Toadsbottom Lane. Quiller and I made our way down the rope ladder. Sprinklers were sprinkling next door. A dog was barking in the distance.

"Yes, we're here now," said First Mate Quiller over the phone. "Okay, we'll meet you on the porch."

A kindly old woman opened the door, then pushed a large sealed cardboard box out through the door with her boot.

"All right!" the old woman said. "Ante up!" and offered her hand.

Quiller took her hand, softly. Then, with the stylus that came with the app, she gave her finger a sharp poke.

"Owwwww!" cried the old woman. "Haven't you ever done this before? Gimme that!"

The old woman took the app from Quiller, and smushed her bloody finger on the screen.

When that was done, both Quiller and the old woman looked at me expectantly.

"Awwww, no. Really?"

Nathan Hill 6/1/2021 10:44pm

"I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this Witch Delivery™ app," I said, nursing my finger on the bridge.

First Mate Quiller had already unlocked the coordinates of the target destination and her finger was poised on the button.

"Oh, it's just operational security. DNA is a lot less invasive than what they used to use, believe me."

"But how long till I run out of fingers?"

"Once we've done a few runs, we start building up stars. Enough of stars and we get a blue checkmark, which means no more pokes for you."

"Hmmm. Well the sooner we get a blue checkmark the better. What's the heading?"

"The South Shakes, east of the Big Nose river, in Shark Country."

"Sounds loud. Let's hit it."

GAZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

Nathan Hill 7/19/2021 9:56pm

"Oh my god those are loud sharks!" I yell over the cacophony.

"Yes we're coming in too low over the river!" First Mate Quiller shouted back. "Take us up, Ensign Filbert!"

The roar receded as we rose over the trees and then the hills of what could only have been the South Shakes. Ridges turned to stone fins and vertical drops, trees growing directly out of cliff faces, and tree houses and scaffolding sprinkled throughout like a delicate spiderweb made of ropes and wooden planks.

The denizens of the South Shakes lived vertically. Rope ladders, dumb waiters, and service lifts connected tree houses and common areas built on the tops of trees growing straight out of the stone. If anyone dropped anything off their wooden decks -- like a tea cup, or a beer can -- a neighbor somewhere down the line would notice for sure.

First Mate Quiller pointed the app at the jungle of tree house shanties. Then she slipped on a pair of high tech glasses and stared into space for a moment.

"They're pairing," she said.

"You're watching the South Shakers... do it?"

"No! The glasses are talking to the app. There's an immersive AR mode."

"Ah," I said. Like that helped. But I was learning to not look like a complete dummy.

"What do they take us for, complete dummies?" Quiller said.

"Excuse me?"

"These coordinates are for the back end of a dark alley in the warehouse district. Somebody called us here to jump us."

"That happens?"

"I read about it in the manual."

"So we turn around and leave, right?"

"No there's a whole protocol. First we report it, which is this little red button... here!"

The Witch Delivery™ app suddenly leapt out of Quiller's hand and enveloped us in a three-dimensional grid made of neat green laser lines. It had a low, growling hum about it. Pensive, like it was coiled and ready to strike.

"Ah! So THIS is immersive AR mode!" I exclaimed.

WtchDlvr Drone 902b 9/1/2021 11:24pm

SUSPICIOUS LOCALE REPORTED. 137TH AGGRANDISEMENT, CORNER OF VICTORY AND AVENUE F (VERTICAL). SOUTH SHAKES, SHARK COUNTRY.

SCANNING.... SCANNING...

SUSPECTS ACQUIRED. HEAT SIGNATURE OF SIX INDIVIDUALS. ELEVATED ENERGY. CHEMICALLY ENHANCED. FOUR CARRYING HEAVY METAL BLUNT OBJECTS. TWO ARMED WITH PROJECTILE WEAPONS. SEE SUPPLEMENTAL VIDEO.

TARGET LOCKING. TARGET LOCK ACQUIRED.

FIRING.

TRACKING... TRACKING...

MISSON COMPLETE. PROPERTY DAMAGE MINIMAL. INSURANCE NOTIFICATION MOD 1B46 SUBMITTED.

WITCH DELIVERY™ DRONE 902B RETURNING TO SLEEP MODE.

Nathan Hill 10/16/2021 11:54pm

"Uh... WOW. And NO. No no no no. Did that drone just murder those people?"

First Mate Quiller looked as shaken up as I felt. We were glorified mailmen, not... assassins, or special forces, or military. Anymore.

"The manual didn't say it would do that... Just that we needed to report suspicious activity..." she said.

"Is it too late to quit Witch Delivery™?" I asked. "I think we need to seek out different gigs."

Ping!

The Witch Delivery™ pendant had let out a friendly ping.

"What does that mean? Are we in trouble? I mean, those guys are DEAD!"

First Mate Quiller looked at the pendant.

"It's a notification," she said. "About the box we were supposed to deliver there. Now we've got to take it to a Witch Delivery™ Quick Stop Station."

"Great. We'll give them the box, and then quit, or delete the app, or whatever. I'm sure they can tell us what to do at the Quick Stop Station and make it official, right?"

First Mate Quiller looked pale. And queasy. Like she was about to throw up.

"You're probably a little tired of pushing their buttons, huh?"

I took the pendant out of her hand. She barely noticed.

"This little gem here is the one, right?"

GAZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

WDQS STATION 9962384 12/9/2021 11:56pm

Welcome to Witch Delivery™ Quick Station #9962384

Are you a customer or a team member contractor?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Are you a customer or a team member contractor?

Please say, CUSTOMER, or TEAM MEMBER CONTRACTOR.

"Oh, uh, team member contractor."

Thank you. Please present your Witch Delivery™ pendant app with the screen facing up to the vibrating tube sensor.

zzZZAAAAAAP!

"Ouch!"

Welcome team member contractor 62492YG724. Just a moment while I review your status.

... ...

Order number 249272292Zq27. Package undeliverable due to vagrant action. Can you confirm?

"Well, we didn't think they'd get blown up like that."

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please say yes or no.

"Yes."

... ...

Please place the undeliverable package on the measurement transducer.

"Uh, what?"

Please place the undeliverable package on the measurement transducer.

"Oh, you mean this table here. Quiller, could you give me a hand?"

Thank you. Just a moment while I scan the package.

... ...

At Witch Delivery™, we value the safety and well-being of our trusted team member contractors. Have you been within one meter of this package for more than thirty minutes?

"Well, it was on the bridge with us, and I might have sat on it a little during our trip to the South Shakes..."

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Have you been within one meter of this package for more than thirty minutes?

"Yes."

... ...

Please wait here for the next available Witch Delivery™ Cleansing and Sterilization Drone to complete your ticket.

"Oh, well, this is our last job. We just wanted to drop this off and be on our way..."

Please wait here for the next available Witch Delivery™ Cleansing and Sterilization Drone to complete your ticket.

"Captain, the doors won't open..."

"Eh... computer? Er, what can I call you?"

You can call me Terry. How can I help you?

"Terry, the doors somehow got locked. Could you open those for us?

Please wait here for the next available Witch Delivery™ Cleansing and Sterilization Drone to complete your ticket.

"Captain, I don't like this..."

"Terry says we just need to wait..."

Commencing countdown to cleansing and sterilization. All customers and non-quarantined Witch Delivery™ team member contractors are recommended to leave the area within three blocks. 30. 29. 28.

"Captain we need to go. Ensign Filbert, do you copy? We need a 450 on the front door immediately."

"Filbert here, mam. A 450? We haven't..."

"IMMEDIATELY FILBERT!"

"Ok! You two take cover!"

"Cover?"

"Get down, captain!"

KABOOOOOOOOOM

Nathan Hill 2/1/2022 10:29pm

"You'd think we'd be safe and sound back on the Invictus by now, wouldn't you?" I asked First Mate Quiller.

We were standing outside a grungy doughnut shop on a grungy street. We were still dusting off debris from the explosion. We could see our breath.

"I don't think we had an actual plan, Captain."

She was right about that. We lost contact with the Invictus after they tore a hole in the wall of Witch Delivery™ Quick Station #9962384. Too much smoke. Too many tall buildings.

"They have cameras in those Quick Stations," she continued. "They have our pictures. They have three dimensional models of our bodies. And our voices. And probably of our personalities. They're probably running simulations right now against the immediate surroundings and predicting our outcomes and setting up the final traps as we speak!"

The doughnut shop smelled good. Or at least warm and greasy. And it was late.

"Hey let's get some doughnuts," I said. "It's on the ship."