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"You're right about my bones being all messed up, Joe King Crow," I croaked. "My insides are shattered like a broken clock! I wish I'd never found that old Diamond Mine and fell down in it! Oh these old bones ache..."
I knew this would get Joe King Crow's attention. He cocked his head one way and another and looked at me closely with this black crow eyes.
"Could you help fly me to the veterinarian in Nudleton, Joe King Crow? I need my bones all set right again."
Now the crows learned their lesson when they got too fascinated by man and allowed themselves to be trapped in iron cages. But if there was one thing that still fasciated them it was shiny objects. And there's few things as shiny as diamonds.
"You see how I can't walk too good, Joe King Crow. Won't you put me on your back and fly me?"
I could see Joe King Crow's gears turning underneath his jaunty crown.
"Oh, I'd be happy to take you to the vet, Bakemono Toad. But I sure would like to know where this diamond mine of yours is. You know, to make sure we close it up tight, so nobody else falls in like you."
"That's real responsible of you, Joe King Crow. Real civic minded. Yes I could show you where that old Diamond Mine is, and then you could fly me to the veterinarian in Nudleton. It's a deal!"
And with that, Joe King Crow picked me up in his beak, threw me on his back, and we were up in the air.
I took Bakemono Toad for a good long walk down Bakemono Road, just to let him know who wore the pants in this particular relationship.
Bakemono Toad didn’t fit so well, what with my first hand pushed up into his right arm, and my second hand pushed up into his left arm, and my third hand pushed down in his right leg, and my right foot pushed down into his left leg.
“You don’t look so well, Bakemono Toad.”
I squished my head up through Bakemono Toad’s gullet till I could just peek out his mouth with my third eye. I turned around and around till I spotted Joe King Crow sitting on the branch of a skinny old tree, laughing at me.
“You look like a sack of bones falling down the stairs, Bakemono Toad!”
Now Joe King Crow was the biggest of all the crows, bigger than Bakemono Toad, bigger than me, and likely bigger than you. His crown sat at a jaunty angle on his big crow head.
“You look like a bag of hammers having a fight, Bakemono Toad!”
Joe King Crow was a hard one to trick. A long time ago the crows got too fascinated by man and allowed themselves to be trapped in iron cages. But they broke free, and they learned how not to get tricked again.
“You look like a bunch of bees can’t find their way out of a hive, Bakemono Toad!”
But oh how Joe King Crow was full of himself, and his jaunty crown.
Just then Jimmy Three-hands had an idea.
"Oh old Joe King Crow," I called in my croakiest voice. "I wonder if you could help me..."
Well Ol' Bakemono Toad sure was dark inside. He gobbled me up just like the slugs he likes for lunch.
"Hellooooooo Bakemono Toad! It's your old friend Jimmy Three-hands! It looks like you accidentally gobbled me up! Can you let me out please? It smells like slug lunch in here!"
Ol' Bakemono Toad's croak sure was loud from the inside.
"Oh but that was such a long time ago, Bakemono Toad! And you know I didn't mean you no harm."
Ol' Bakemono Toad sure was mean on the inside.
"Aw, shucks, Bakemono Toad. You can't mean that... Can ya?"
Ol' Bakemono Toad didn't have any intention of letting me go. And along with the dark and the smell and the loud and the mean, I was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. It was warm, too. And close. There wasn't much room to move around at all. I must have come near to filling Ol' Bakemono Toad full up.
That's when Jimmy Three-hands had an idea. I stretched out one of my hands as far as it would go, and pushed it right up into Ol' Bakemono Toad's right arm. It fit like a sleeve.
Then I stretched out my second hand as far as it would go, and pushed it right up into Ol' Bakemono Toad's left arm. It fit like a sleeve too.
Then I stretched out my third hand as far as it would go, and pushed it right down into Ol' Bakemono Toad's right foot. It was a little loose, but I stretched it all the way down there just the same.
Then I stretched out my right leg as far as it would go, and pushed it right down into Ol' Bakemono Toad's left foot. It felt a little backwards, like having your shoe on the wrong foot. Which was not ideal. But this was not an ideal situation.
"Bakemono Toad, it's time we went for a walk!"
To my recollection, Bakemono Toad lived near the swamps off Bakemono Road. The milkweed and the fences and the dirt road and the trees, the lizards and the rocks and the sunflowers and the bees! The path is dusty pebbles but the swimming holes are near, and you can hear him croaking if he wants you to.
It was my welcome sign! Ol' Bakemono Toad hadn't forgotten his old friend Jimmy Three-hands. I crawled behind his old broken down mailbox through the ivy and the vine.
Oh it was loud now. Ol' Bakemono Toad's breath was warm and smelled like slugs.
And just like that Ol' Bakemono Toad ate me up.
The hostel in Nudleton is run by the Turtlemen. The grocery is run by the Badgers. The Raccoons run the newspaper and the Foxes run the bar. The Demons are the lawmen, and wear their stars pointed upside down.
Nudelton gets visitors from all over, so the streets are filled with strange folk--folks of all different colors and many different arms and legs. There are prospectors and wizards and cartographers and movie stars.
What's the attraction? Why are there so many visitors to Bakemono Road?
Everybody comes here to get tricked. They've heard the stories of the Bakemono Road and the things that happen here, and the smart ones take the road and find out they're not so smart, and the humble ones take the road to find out they're not so humble, and the honest ones take the road to find out they're not so honest. Everyone thinks they've got something to learn on Bakemono Road.
But not Jimmy Three-hands. I'm not here to get tricked.
I'm here to see my old friend--Bakemono Toad.
I could tell I was on the Bakemono Road as soon as I smelled the skunk. I was sure I had taken a wrong turn over a particular snow-capped butte, but when I turned around and flew back the way I came, it was nowhere to be found! So I turned around again and that's when I smelled it on the air. It was the skunk. And I had been tricked into finding Bakemono Road. Which is the only way to find it, since it's a road that keeps hidden and shifting before your very eyes, and if you're not careful then you're sure to lose it. Which is why the skunk is such a good marker. It has a way of focusing the mind, and if you can just keep that smell in your nose--don't let it go!--then you can find your way to Bakemono Road.
I tied up the Araceli at an airstrip outside of Nudelton, Gateway to Bakemono Road, and have taken a room at a hostel.
After the delicious smoothie bowls at Great Mama Two-hands' house, it was time to decide on a course. The comic-book pages that make up my ship are like a map, and there are many paths to choose from. Of course there are pages from Miraculous Mummy, but many others too, including Time Travelling Toaster; Dryad Deluxe; Lance, Lord of Mystery; Ultra Lass; Rescue Rosaria; The Phantom Platoon; Enormous Fly; and even the Forever Cabal.
As I was gently circling over Great Mama Two-hands' compound, going over the flight checklists one last time, my eyes landed on one of my earliest favorites. Had I really sacrificed its page to create this ship? It seemed to be calling to me.
Bakemono Road, here we come!
Jimmy Three-hands is so kind. Did you know he came to visit me in his wonderful airship? He made it out of comic books, and oh it is magnificent. The dots of his four color process filled the air with the scent of musty newsprint when he landed in my yard.
“Thank you for your delicious pies Great Mama Two-hands” he said when climbed down the ladder. He is so thoughtful. And handsome, with his three green eyes and three long tongues darting about as he whispers his kindnesses.
“I’ve picked some fresh berries,” I told him. “Would you care for a fresh smoothie bowl, Jimmy Three-hands? It’s a beautiful morning, and I’d love you to join me for some breakfast on this fine fine day.”
“Yes, Great Mama Two-hands, I’d like that very much. I’d like that very much indeed.”
It is too much to be too long anywhere. So I sent away to an advertisement in the back of one of my comic books--Miraculous Mummy--and received this fantastic Do-it-yourself Airship Kit in the mail. It is truly wonderful, and with merely some airplane glue and monofilament tape, I have constructed this marvelous Ship of the Air!
It is time to go explorering. Who's who? How much? and what's the answer? The propellers are propelling, and the gas bag lifting. Full steam ahead! First stop: Great Mama Two-hands, to thank her for the pies.
Well I had a dream about JImmy Three-hands eatin' my pies! It was a wonderful dream. Would you like me to tell you about it? It was a beautiful summer morning at Jimmy Three-hands' cabin, and the mist was on the dew and the wild strawberries were ripe on their little vines, and the great translucent emptiness of Kiakiadori sat in the pond and rose up high into the sky, filling it with the dark void of the universe.
Jimmy Three-hands was just about to stick one of his three long tongues into one of my three warm pies when he had an idea.
"Wouldn't it be nice to have some fresh ice cream to eat with my pies?," he thought. "Kiakiadori could get me that ice cream, because he holds the entire universe inside him, and there's bound to be ice cream in there somewhere."
So Jimmy Three-hands walked on down to the pond and looked up at the giant Kiakiadori, which some people say looks like a slug, and other people say looks like a snake, but it's hard to say because it's transparent clear see-through and is filled with nothing but stars and space and nebula. Kiakiadori towered over Jimmy Three-hands.
"Hey Kiakiadori! I heard from Oyster Ray that you don't have the real universe inside you--just a finite baby microverse. At least that's what Oyster Ray told me."
The Kiakiadori shivered, and the space inside him shimmied.
"I told him I knew you had the real universe inside you and that I could prove it. All I need is to show him some evidence. Like, I don't know, how about a pint of ice cream? If you can give me a pint of ice cream from the universe inside you, then I'll show Oyster Ray and that'll be that! Whaddaya say?"
Jimmy Three-hands wrung his three hands looked up at Kiakiadori with his three eyes. He tried his best to look serious and honest.
Kiakiadori puckered a portion of its amorphous outer surface and turned it inward, bending the dimensions of spacetime and connecting with an ice cream stand somewhere in the universe where the workers wore white paper hats and the tiles were clean and it smelled like fresh sugar and milk, and returned with a pint of ice cream, which it put into Jimmy Three-hands' three hands.
"Thank you Kiakiadori! Thank you very much!" said Jimmy Three-hands, and he walked back to his cabin.
Jimmy Three-hands ate the ice cream and the pie. And now there's a new baby microverse inside of Jimmy Three-hands.
Oh don't you worry. I told you it's just a dream!